"I haven’t had sex with anyone since breaking up with my boyfriend a year ago. Is this abnormal? I just don’t seem interested in other men. My friends say I’m pining but I’m not wishing for my ex back. I just can’t seem to make myself attracted to or interested in any other guy."
Expert's response: If you believed all the media and other boasts (by men and women alike), it would be easy to think everyone had sweaty, shirt-ripping sexual encounters several times a week, but it’s simply not true. Many people go months and years without having sex, so stop worrying about being “abnormal”.
Comparing yourself to anyone else is a waste of time and pointless. Everyone will have times in their life, for whatever reason (and there are many), when they won’t have sex or will have a great deal less of it than they’d ever anticipated.
Actually, it’s healthy to spend some time alone with yourself after splitting from a relationship, especially a long or intense one. It’s good to assess how you’ve changed, what you’ve learnt, why it didn’t work and what you want for yourself, and from a partner, in the future.
Take this time while you’re not interested in finding a new man to enrich your life with new interests and growth. Develop yourself and really get to know yourself. This is precious me-time that will disappear when you’re absorbed in a relationship, or planning a committed life together, or starting a family or raising children. Enjoy this time for you.
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Do some self-indulgent things such as taking a holiday by yourself, learning to paint, starting a daily journal, joining a club or taking a course in something you never thought you’d do. While you’re single you have time to spend on yourself, so do it.
It’s perfectly normal for your libido and interest in sex to fluctuate, and if you feel you need time to get over your previous relationship, then make the most of this by spending it wholly on yourself.
As long as you’re active, productive and happy, don’t worry about whether you’re having sex. Don’t feel pressured to have sex simply because “it’s been a long time”. When you feel ready to rejoin the dating game, it will still be out there, waiting for a refreshed, self-aware, attractive you.
Don’t be in a hurry to find someone just because you feel it’s been too long. If you feel vibrant, happy and fulfilled, then your sex life will follow suit. And if you don’t feel those things right now, there’s even more reason to focus on yourself so that you will.
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