My brother does not know that I know he is gay. For a very
long time, I have felt utterly certain that my elder brother is gay. That
uneasy, jittery feeling called a woman’s intuition.
But in a complex issue such as sexuality, you can’t possibly
walk up to your elder brother armed with just an intuition. He could just brush
me off as suffering from a temporary hormonal imbalance.
He is old enough to scheme for girls. But he doesn’t. My
very Christian parents found this a sigh of relief and a sign of belief that
this boy will be God’s own toy.
My elder brother is young enough to be a football fanatic
and find the sports engrossing, but he doesn’t. Even if he liked an obscure
sport like badminton, I would drop all these CSI hunch inside of me.
But he is very sensitive – an occasional cause of concern
for my parents. But for my parents who are church leaders, seeing my brother
attend church even reluctantly and join in family devotion is enough to dispel
any theory that such an ‘abomination’ happens at home.
Caught between parents who wouldn’t give my suspicion any
serious preliminary hearing and a brother I dare not ‘accuse’ falsely, I felt
compelled to find evidence for all three of us – my parents, myself and my
brother.
Rummaging through my older brother’s stuff filled me with
awful shame. Shame because it’s not right, it’s a little freakish stalking and
somewhat sinister because if I was justified I would not be satisfied. I would
be crushed.
He was out to visit a friend. Being a very tidy person, my
search was difficult yet easy. Easy to know what it is. But difficult to
arrange everything as it’s not been touched.
My first stop was his closet. After looking through his
collection of designer shirts – thanks to my dad – I decided to look inside the
drawer and there they were. Loads and loads of magazines with guys in them
(shirtless men with six packs), they were handsome too. Some of these guys were
in very uncomplimentary positions with other guys, the others were totally
naked. What was he doing with these things, I asked myself, silently.
My heart started racing, but I didn’t stop. I pulled open
the last drawer and in there were CDs, with pictures of naked guys printed on
them. It was porn. No it was gay porn. I felt shot. My jaw dropped, I could see
myself falling hard on the floor if I didn’t get closer to his bed.
For minutes I just stood there. Bodily present, mentally
absent, processing the awful hurt for my relatively emotionally innocent life.
When my boyfriend broke up with me after a year of dating, I
went out with my friends, had drink and only pretended to be sad when he called
the next day to apologise for hurting me. Truth is, I’d wanted to leave him
anyway.
Much as death is painful, we are aware it can happen. But
how many people walk about prepared to accept or consider the possibility that
your brother is gay? You can advise someone to stop chasing girls. But can you
advise someone to stop being gay?
I didn’t know what or how to feel. Didn’t know if I should
be mad at myself or at my brother for what I’d seen. I was dumbfounded and
overwhelmed with fear.
That Friday night was one of the worst nights for me. To
wake up one day and find out that your brother, one you love deeply and are
proud of is involved with something society does not accept is difficult to
accept.
I’ve got to say that I do not intend in any way to judge my
brother but I cannot accept that he is gay.
My parents will be devastated if and when they find out what
I now know. I remember the grave warnings, pleas, threats mixed with promises
which I received when my parents talked to me about teenage pregnancy.
Don’t know how this is going to go down. But somebody is
going to be very, very down and very, very sad. External social ridicule awaits
and an internal family meltdown lurks.
Right now, I’m worried because we are blacks, we live in
Ghana and things like these are not countenanced. What will happen when people
find out?
Nobody goes to my brother’s bedroom. But just like I found
out, my parents could one day go there or barge in and find out.
I do not want to imagine how he feels about all these. Not
being able to, at his age, bring a woman home or have a meaningful
relationship. He might never – unless of course God intervenes – be like his
friends, he’ll always be different but I’m the wrong person to save him. Right
now, I kind of sympathise with him but I certainly can’t pretend everything is
okay.
I love my brother. How do I support my gay brother? Should I
accept it and move on? Tell him to be himself? Or tell him to try deliverance?
How do I in practical terms show respect to him? If I hear him say I love you
on the phone to some guy, should I beam with gladness or throw up?
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