How do I tell my partner our sex life is terrible? We've been together
for almost two years now, and I hate our sex life. He's too impatient for
foreplay and does not want to hear anything about oral stimulation. According
to him, it makes him want to puke. I've told him before it needs to change, but
it hasn't. He's an awesome guy, and the thought of breaking up with him because
of our poor sex life seems silly. I know there are men out there
that will give me what I want though. What do I do?
Relationship expert’s advice
You're right, you shouldn't abandon a
good relationship because of a bad sex life without even trying. The solution
isn't simply to go find another guy — because what if the sex isn't perfect
with that guy? Spoiler: It won't be. Then what do you do? You find another guy.
And the sex won't be perfect with him, either…
Relationships take work, particularly in the bedroom where it can
be particularly hard to talk about what you need without bruising your
partner's ego. But sometimes, that's just necessary — even if your partner
talks about going down on women like it's going to give him the cooties.
Given the choice between being dumped
and being more collaborative in bed, what do you think your partner would
choose? That said, don't present this as some do-or-die ultimatum. Just tell
him how you've been feeling, instead of bottling it up inside.
Have the hard talk. Be direct. Tell him it's serious. Then butter
him up with praise about how awesome he is and all the things you enjoy. Then
tell him the "but…" Only, don't tell him sex is awful. Or that he's
awful. Try to avoid judging him or labeling him with some insult. And don't
place the blame all on him. A long-term bad sexual relationship is never just
one person's fault.
Instead, tell him that you're unsatisfied and that it's very
important to you that the two of you try to make your sex life better. Tell him
you know it can be hotter for both of you. Tell him you want to know more about
what turns him on and that you want him to know more about what turns you
on.
Then tell him. Give him specific
examples and fantasies and maybe even a little technical advice — and don't
forget to listen to what he says too. It's clear you're both in a rut. Maybe
you can learn from each other.
As for this silliness about how going down on women makes him want
to puke? Sure, we all have our preferences and turn-offs, but this sounds
deeply immature and a little cruel. Tell him that's not a satisfying
explanation on any level and that you need him to consider how you feel
too.
If your partner doesn't respond well — if he doesn't want to work
on your relationship — then consider what that says about how he sees about
you and how hard he's willing to work to make a relationship that works
for both of you.
Cosmopolitan
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