Just had a baby? Here’s how to make your marriage on track after it all

They might be the result of a loving relationship but bubs are notorious for putting strain on even the most solid couples. There’s the lack of sleep, the lack of “couple time” and the baby-induced chaos that can sometimes reign supreme. And it can be hard to feel sexy and loving when the house smells like dirty nappies and you’ve worn the same flannel pyjamas for the past 48 hours.

But the relationship experts swear that there are ways to keep the relationship embers at least glowing as you navigate your way through parenthood. Here are some tips, advice and some facts and figures to make you think…

1. Know that it’s OK if you’re not feeling super happy right now

You both couldn’t wait to be parents. You were so excited when you found out you were pregnant. But now that you’re parents, you feel like that loving feeling for your partner is stuffed in the box with your pre-pregnancy clothes. Truth is, most couples go through this. Research has found that for 90 per cent of couples, marital bliss dives in the year after the birth of the first child – and couples who were the most romantic before children experienced the sharpest decrease after welcoming their first child. While it’s good to know that how you’re feeling is normal, heed this advice from US family therapist William Doherty, author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart: “If we're married we simply must give some time and attention to the marriage if we want it to survive.”

2. Make time for your partner

As Doherty says above, relationships need some time and effort invested in them to be happy, according to all the relationship experts. And that’s not time arguing and showing your resentment, but being respectful, sharing experiences and just spending time together, preferably without your offspring. It might be as simple as sitting on the couch together after the progeny have gone to bed and watching your favourite TV show.

3. Schedule regular date nights

Yes, it can sound cheesy and contrived but the research says these work. A US study of 132 couples found those who went on dates often (in this study, the average was an extremely high six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together. You could probably get a pretty good relationship upswing from a couple a month, if six seems unachievable.

4. Don’t let sex be the elephant in the room

It’s intimacy that made the baby in the first place but once couples become mums and dads, the sexual aspect of a relationship can take a back seat, or even move into a different vehicle completely. A recent study found that sex understandably suffered after the birth of a baby with 88 per cent of new mums blaming tiredness, lack of time (72 per cent) and pain or tenderness (47 per cent) in the first three months of bub’s life. 

Sex expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey says: “Initiate romance back into your relationship with date nights, flirty phone messages and loving touches that don't lead to any pressure for sex. Have baths together, offer pampering sessions or take the baby for a few hours so she can temporarily exit ‘mum mode’.” She assures that most couples will find their bedroom mojo again but to “increase touch gradually with open acceptance and an open heart”.

14 things that don't matter for a real relationship

If we all ended up with the dream guys we fantasized about in our diaries as little girls, we'd probably all be dating terrible, narcissistic hunks who look great, have tons of money, live in faraway castles, and have little to no time for us. 

The things you think you want when you're 8, 13, 22, or whatever change with time, and really, it's for the best. People talk about "settling" with someone who doesn't meet all your high standards like it's a terrible thing. But there are some things that it's OK to give a little on, because in the grand scheme of your perfect whirlwind romance, they just don't matter very much.

1. How much money he makes

He doesn't need to be raking in the cash to take good care of you or be a good boyfriend. It's better to be with someone who's smart with their money than someone who just has endless amounts of it. Plus, sometimes the best dates are the ones that cost nothing at all.

2. How extroverted he is

If he's not the life of the party every time you're in a room together, that's OK. And if people think he's rude because he's a little shy, that's their problem and their insecurity.

3. How hot he is

It's easy to be drawn in by a chiseled face and a six-pack that seemingly goes on forever, but looks really do fade and a solid relationship is built on a solid backbone, not cheekbones. If he's right for you, you'll think he's hot anyway.

4. How tall he is

It would be terrible to throw away the guy of your dreams just because you think you can't wear your favorite 5-inch pumps when you're out with him. You'll probably be too busy having a blast with him to care about how you look towering over him in public.

5. How much you like his family

You're in a romantic relationship with him, not his family. If he supports you around his family, defends you when necessary, and doesn't expect you to hang out with them all the time, that's all that matters.

6. How "well-bred" he is

Having a man with a country club membership and high-powered job at his dad's law firm is great, but don't let the fact that he hasn't appeared on any 30 under 30 lists keep you from giving him a shot.

7. How well-dressed he is

Either he's been dressed by another girl without your taste for a while or he's had no one to help him shop except for maybe his mom or his sister. Take him to Bloomies when the time is right. Once a guy experiences well-fitting jeans for the first time, he never wants to go back.

8. How different your tastes are

You might wish you could just date a carbon copy of yourself, who likes all the same weird things as you and already has concert tickets to all the shows you wanted to see, but one of the best parts about dating new people is learning new things. Maybe he'll open you up to your new favorite movie or TV show, and it'll just be one more thing you love about him.

9. How textbook "exciting" he is

If he's not exciting to your friends who like to go out in freakum dresses and get wasted four nights a week at ~da club~ because he prefers to snuggle with you at home, who cares? The most important thing is that you have fun when you're together, case closed.

10. How awkward he is

So what if he's always tripping over his shoelaces or making a slight embarrassment of himself in front of your friends? The smooth guys are the ones you have to look out for anyway, because they're usually the ones with ulterior motives. His little quirks are endearing.

11. How old he is

Hey, plenty of great romances have happened between people who aren't even in the same generation. Don't let some bullshit societal rule stop you from living all your dreams.

12. How many people he's been with

He's not with those people anymore for a reason, and like it or not, they probably helped shape him into the dreamboat you ended up with. Numbers are just numbers and everyone has a past. Finding someone whose past fits with yours is the real key.

13. How good at romantic gestures he is

A guy who's good at big gestures is usually a guy who's had to do a lot of apologizing in his time, and you don't want that in the long-term. He should be better at the everyday things, like listening to you and genuinely caring about how your day went. Those are what add up and make the difference between a fling and someone with serious marriage potential.

14. How many friends he has

It's fun to date someone who comes with a posse and a traveling party everywhere they go, but a guy who doesn't have a crew might be a guy who's better with a few, very intimate friendships. He'll probably also be more attentive.

Does sex count as exercise?

Sex can often be a pleasurable experience. But it also has benefits some reports have compared to those of exercise. So can sex really count as a workout?

Sex isn’t only a pleasurable experience, with some reports claiming the act also has health benefits that can be compared to those of exercise.

In fact, the physiological response to sex is similar to that of exercise. Landmark studies in the 1960s showed people having sex had an increase in their respiratory rate, heart rate, and blood pressure.

These are all signs the body is working at an elevated rate, similar to that experienced during exercise.

More recently, these findings have been replicated by a number of researchers using less obtrusive, miniaturized and wireless equipment, enabling more realistic results.

Again, they found a significant increase in markers of physiological stress, such as heart rate and blood pressure. Comparing this to what happens during exercise, they showed sexual activity elicits a moderate level of physical stress — up to 75 percent of maximal exercise.

But they also noticed these physiological stress levels were intermittent. Much of the average time of sexual activity recorded (33 minutes) was spent at lower stress levels.

A more recent study of young Canadian heterosexual couples showed a bout of sexual activity was akin to moderate physical activity (such as brisk walking) when energy expenditure was measured.

Sex is kind of like exercise

So sex is exercise? Well yes and no. It depends on your definition of exercise. If you compare the two purely by the physiological change that occurs, then yes, because sex elicits a change in human physiology akin to exercise.

But if you believe exercise should change human physiology for the better, in the long term, then perhaps no. This is because, for most of us, sex isn’t sustained long enough nor occurs frequently enough for a true physiological change to happen in the long term.

Also, we haven’t really explored the other benefits of exercise and contrasted them with sex. For instance, muscular health is recognized as a major component of a person’s health.

We know lots about gaining muscular health through resistance training and other exercises. But does sex give enough of a workout to change muscular health? Well… I sense a research project in the pipeline.

The studies mentioned above also reported a distinct difference between responses in males and female participants. The reasons for this difference — whether men are more physically active during sex compared to women or whether different sexual positions place a greater demand on the human body — have yet to be explored.

What about masturbation? Increases in heart rate and systolic blood pressure have been reported during masturbation. But both the level and duration of these increases weren’t as high or long as with intercourse.

Judging by measurements of heart rate, masturbation really only equates to light exercise, such as slow walking.

How exercise affects sex and vice versa

In many cases, exercise can also be helpful to sex. Research into pelvic floor exercises in women with pelvic pain, for instance, has shown they improve sexual function. Women reported increased control, confidence, heightened sensation and less pain.

While in men, exercises that train the perineal muscles in front of the anus help with premature ejaculation.

And what about how sex affects exercise? Should professional athletes, for instance, refrain from sex before a competition?

Not if they wait long enough after sex. Sex has been shown to have no negative effect on sports performance but can have a negative effect on recovery if you compete within two hours of having it. This means athletes could take longer to recover from one bout of exercise to another.

So in answer to the question of whether sex is really exercise. Kind of. But you can test it out for yourself and see how you feel.

Medical daily

7 legitimate reasons to walk out on a first date

In an ideal world, there’s be just one legitimate reason to peace out in the middle (or beginning) of a first date: because you feel like it. Whether you’re uncomfortable, bored, or just wish you could be watching Law and order: SVU, you shouldn’t feel like you’re being socially held captive by some person you don’t even know.

Though there should be zero expectations on a first date, walking away from a bad one is still easier said than done. After all, how would you feel like if someone rejected you mid-fondue? Nevertheless, while soldiering on might feel like the “nice” thing to do, it’s just delaying inevitable rejection.

Here are a few situations in which you should never feel bad for calling it early (if not completely disappearing during a trip to the powder room):

1. They misrepresent themselves

You don’t owe a liar anything. So call it a night on that dude who didn't own up to being a Trump supporter—despite your clear preference for the Dems—before luring you to a mid-priced sushi restaurant.

2. They’re sexist

Or racist. Or, any-ist that makes you uncomfortable, really. This isn’t Thanksgiving, and your date is not your Tea Party uncle, so you don’t need to put up with that.

3. They’re rude to everyone but you

Treating a server or bartender like “the help” is just a preview to all sorts of trashy, disrespectful behavior that'll inevitably emerge in the future. So anyone who snaps, barks orders, or otherwise punishes people who are just trying to do their job is asking to end the night alone. Let them!

4. You don’t want to see them again

To be clear: A date doesn’t even need to be egregiously bad to end early. Just because someone's not a garbage person, doesn't mean you owe them three hours of your life. Simply try to be respectful and polite when peacing out (you know, be a human). 

5. You’re uncomfortable

Maybe this has nothing to do with the person you’re on a date with—maybe you’re hungover, or overworked, or just plain not feeling human interaction that day. You might be hesitant to end a date with someone you like because you’re not at your best, but any first date that deserves a second wouldn’t guilt you into staying out to protect their own ego.

6. You get a bad vibe

Real talk: If you feel like taking on the emotional burden of telling bad daters why you’re not interested, rather than making an excuse or running for the hills, go ahead. But in this scenario, it’s perfectly acceptable (and safer) to make a break for it if your creep alarm is sounding.

7. You just feel like it

Once more for the seats in the back—no one owes anyone, anything on a first date (besides common decency). It doesn't have to be a drawn out affair. Take a lesson from dogs: When they meet, they sniff each other’s butts for two seconds, and either decide to kick it or move on. Be a dog (but like, a respectful one).

Womenshealthmag

10 things guys think when they find out you're single

1. This has completely changed the way I'm looking at this interaction now. There's a definitive difference between talking to a woman and talking to a single lady. Earlier, he either assumed you weren't single or the thought hadn't even entered his head. But now you've activated the primal part of his brain that sees you as a potential mate and he can't shut it off.

2. Oh, shit. I have to go into "talking to single woman" mode now. This is some Jekyll and Hyde-level transformation. If you've never read that book, it's a Nutty Professor-style transformation. The second guys decide to hit on a woman, they transform into some terrible faux-suave monstrosity or a fumbling idiot. Sometimes both.

3. Did she mention she's single because she wants me to hit on her? Now he's going to spend the next five minutes trying to figure out if her singlehood was brought up organically or if it was a thinly veiled hint. It's something that will haunt him for years unless he gets to the bottom of it now.

4. So ... there's a chance she'll sleep with me. Like, a marginally higher chance than when I assumed she wasn't single. It's probably still in the single-digits, but still, that's something.

5. Don't ask her, "How is it possible someone like you is single?" Don't, don't do it. Please, don't do it. This is an awful and trite line, but it will still tumble awkwardly out of his mouth. And at that point, he's just got to own it and pretend it was cool, even though he's trying not to cringe so hard that it looks like a spasm.

6. Wait ... is she recently single? How recent? Because no one wants to be the rebound.

7. How does she define "single"? Some people still consider themselves "single" even if they're "sort of seeing someone," and no one wants to put themselves in the middle of a love triangle, unless you secretly enjoy Brontë novels. 

8. What if I misheard her? What if she said she's "bilingual"? That would be embarrassing, but the whole "bilingual" thing is pretty hot. Maybe she's both? PLEASE BE BOTH.

9. If I'm going to ask her out, I should probably wait awhile so I don't look desperate. I don't want to ask her out immediately after she says she's single, but I don't want to wait too long, either. Is three minutes enough, you think?

10. I just realized I haven't heard a single thing she's said since she mentioned she was single. I spent too much time having 10 specific and organized thoughts about this and I pretty much zoned out and I've probably blown it, anyway.

4 signs he's really invested in you

1. His gifts show he really knows you

A man who is invested takes the time to get to know you well, and his gifts will be a testament to his expert grasp of your likes and dislikes. The reason he bought you that travel guide to Hong Kong even though you only mentioned offhand that you want to visit? Because he pays attention, that's why.

2. He makes plans for the future

If he makes arrangements for a winter ski trip in May, you can be sure that he plans on having you in his life for some time yet. Commitment phobes will be scared of making plans for the next weekend, let alone six months from now!

3. He wants all his closest people to meet you

You know he's invested when he doesn't treat his "friend time" and "girlfriend time" as mutually exclusive. If he wants you over for the holidays or can't wait for you to have dinner with his buddies, it's a sign he wants them to love you as much as he does.

4. He posts pics of you on his Instagram

Instagram has become an unofficial dating profile, which means if he's advertising that he's taken, he really doesn't mind everyone knowing. And unlike planning a vacation, social media is a public declaration of his devotion.

Cosmopolitan 

11 reasons he hasn't asked you out yet

1. He's clueless

Entertain the notion that he has no idea asking you out is anything but laughable. He might think you're out of his league or not interested. He might never have thought of you "that way" but he totally could think of you "that way" if he had a little nudge. You could be one of those women where, five years later, while he's shopping over in the fruit aisle picking out whatever the latest superfruit of 2021 is (I think it's going to be grapes, watch out for grapes) and he's like, "Oh, shit. She had a thing for me." But there's an alternate splinter universe in which you are both buying grapes together, because you're married. Maybe drop a thinly veiled hint or two his way if you're really vibing on this future.

2. He just wants to be friends

Believe it or not, sometimes men and women can be friends, and it's just like, whatever.

3. He's way too nervous

He might want to ask you out, but he's scared of rejection or screwing up your friendship, and he's just playing it safe. So safe, he's not even going to take the risk.

4. He's waiting to get confirmation that you'll say "yes." 

He's hoping you'll both have one too many drinks and confess your love, or a series of zany events will bring you two together, rom-com style. 

5. He's also sort of seeing someone else

He might be casually seeing a few people right now.

6. He's crazy-busy

He might have a big project at work, or a he's taking a year off to backpack through Europe, and he doesn't want to start anything serious until after he comes back.

7. He's keeping you on the back burner

He likes you ... enough. But he wants to see how things pan out with someone else first. And no one wants to know they're a "second choice" so he's just stringing you along for as long as he can.

8. He's a sociopath

He just likes stringing you along because he's controlling and manipulative. It's probably (hopefully) not this one, but it's certainly possible.

9. His friends talked him out of it

For whatever reason, he's into you but his friends have given him pause. They probably introduced some weird, arbitrary, but mind-blowing "rule" into his life that he's now following. So he thinks he needs to wait X amount of time or establish Y amount of contact. 

10. He's got a thing for one of your friends ... or maybe he had a thing

It's possible you've got a few mutual friends and he just doesn't want to complicate things.

11. One of his friends called "dibs." 

The idea of calling dibs on a human sounds kind of gross, but it's really a guy's way of saying, "Hey, I like this girl a lot but I can tell she likes you ... can I please have a shot at wooing her?" Except way less formal.

Cosmopolitan