Just had a baby? Here’s how to make your marriage on track after it all

They might be the result of a loving relationship but bubs are notorious for putting strain on even the most solid couples. There’s the lack of sleep, the lack of “couple time” and the baby-induced chaos that can sometimes reign supreme. And it can be hard to feel sexy and loving when the house smells like dirty nappies and you’ve worn the same flannel pyjamas for the past 48 hours.

But the relationship experts swear that there are ways to keep the relationship embers at least glowing as you navigate your way through parenthood. Here are some tips, advice and some facts and figures to make you think…

1. Know that it’s OK if you’re not feeling super happy right now

You both couldn’t wait to be parents. You were so excited when you found out you were pregnant. But now that you’re parents, you feel like that loving feeling for your partner is stuffed in the box with your pre-pregnancy clothes. Truth is, most couples go through this. Research has found that for 90 per cent of couples, marital bliss dives in the year after the birth of the first child – and couples who were the most romantic before children experienced the sharpest decrease after welcoming their first child. While it’s good to know that how you’re feeling is normal, heed this advice from US family therapist William Doherty, author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart: “If we're married we simply must give some time and attention to the marriage if we want it to survive.”

2. Make time for your partner

As Doherty says above, relationships need some time and effort invested in them to be happy, according to all the relationship experts. And that’s not time arguing and showing your resentment, but being respectful, sharing experiences and just spending time together, preferably without your offspring. It might be as simple as sitting on the couch together after the progeny have gone to bed and watching your favourite TV show.

3. Schedule regular date nights

Yes, it can sound cheesy and contrived but the research says these work. A US study of 132 couples found those who went on dates often (in this study, the average was an extremely high six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together. You could probably get a pretty good relationship upswing from a couple a month, if six seems unachievable.

4. Don’t let sex be the elephant in the room

It’s intimacy that made the baby in the first place but once couples become mums and dads, the sexual aspect of a relationship can take a back seat, or even move into a different vehicle completely. A recent study found that sex understandably suffered after the birth of a baby with 88 per cent of new mums blaming tiredness, lack of time (72 per cent) and pain or tenderness (47 per cent) in the first three months of bub’s life. 

Sex expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey says: “Initiate romance back into your relationship with date nights, flirty phone messages and loving touches that don't lead to any pressure for sex. Have baths together, offer pampering sessions or take the baby for a few hours so she can temporarily exit ‘mum mode’.” She assures that most couples will find their bedroom mojo again but to “increase touch gradually with open acceptance and an open heart”.