Just had a baby? Here’s how to make your marriage on track after it all

They might be the result of a loving relationship but bubs are notorious for putting strain on even the most solid couples. There’s the lack of sleep, the lack of “couple time” and the baby-induced chaos that can sometimes reign supreme. And it can be hard to feel sexy and loving when the house smells like dirty nappies and you’ve worn the same flannel pyjamas for the past 48 hours.

But the relationship experts swear that there are ways to keep the relationship embers at least glowing as you navigate your way through parenthood. Here are some tips, advice and some facts and figures to make you think…

1. Know that it’s OK if you’re not feeling super happy right now

You both couldn’t wait to be parents. You were so excited when you found out you were pregnant. But now that you’re parents, you feel like that loving feeling for your partner is stuffed in the box with your pre-pregnancy clothes. Truth is, most couples go through this. Research has found that for 90 per cent of couples, marital bliss dives in the year after the birth of the first child – and couples who were the most romantic before children experienced the sharpest decrease after welcoming their first child. While it’s good to know that how you’re feeling is normal, heed this advice from US family therapist William Doherty, author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart: “If we're married we simply must give some time and attention to the marriage if we want it to survive.”

2. Make time for your partner

As Doherty says above, relationships need some time and effort invested in them to be happy, according to all the relationship experts. And that’s not time arguing and showing your resentment, but being respectful, sharing experiences and just spending time together, preferably without your offspring. It might be as simple as sitting on the couch together after the progeny have gone to bed and watching your favourite TV show.

3. Schedule regular date nights

Yes, it can sound cheesy and contrived but the research says these work. A US study of 132 couples found those who went on dates often (in this study, the average was an extremely high six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together. You could probably get a pretty good relationship upswing from a couple a month, if six seems unachievable.

4. Don’t let sex be the elephant in the room

It’s intimacy that made the baby in the first place but once couples become mums and dads, the sexual aspect of a relationship can take a back seat, or even move into a different vehicle completely. A recent study found that sex understandably suffered after the birth of a baby with 88 per cent of new mums blaming tiredness, lack of time (72 per cent) and pain or tenderness (47 per cent) in the first three months of bub’s life. 

Sex expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey says: “Initiate romance back into your relationship with date nights, flirty phone messages and loving touches that don't lead to any pressure for sex. Have baths together, offer pampering sessions or take the baby for a few hours so she can temporarily exit ‘mum mode’.” She assures that most couples will find their bedroom mojo again but to “increase touch gradually with open acceptance and an open heart”.

14 things that don't matter for a real relationship

If we all ended up with the dream guys we fantasized about in our diaries as little girls, we'd probably all be dating terrible, narcissistic hunks who look great, have tons of money, live in faraway castles, and have little to no time for us. 

The things you think you want when you're 8, 13, 22, or whatever change with time, and really, it's for the best. People talk about "settling" with someone who doesn't meet all your high standards like it's a terrible thing. But there are some things that it's OK to give a little on, because in the grand scheme of your perfect whirlwind romance, they just don't matter very much.

1. How much money he makes

He doesn't need to be raking in the cash to take good care of you or be a good boyfriend. It's better to be with someone who's smart with their money than someone who just has endless amounts of it. Plus, sometimes the best dates are the ones that cost nothing at all.

2. How extroverted he is

If he's not the life of the party every time you're in a room together, that's OK. And if people think he's rude because he's a little shy, that's their problem and their insecurity.

3. How hot he is

It's easy to be drawn in by a chiseled face and a six-pack that seemingly goes on forever, but looks really do fade and a solid relationship is built on a solid backbone, not cheekbones. If he's right for you, you'll think he's hot anyway.

4. How tall he is

It would be terrible to throw away the guy of your dreams just because you think you can't wear your favorite 5-inch pumps when you're out with him. You'll probably be too busy having a blast with him to care about how you look towering over him in public.

5. How much you like his family

You're in a romantic relationship with him, not his family. If he supports you around his family, defends you when necessary, and doesn't expect you to hang out with them all the time, that's all that matters.

6. How "well-bred" he is

Having a man with a country club membership and high-powered job at his dad's law firm is great, but don't let the fact that he hasn't appeared on any 30 under 30 lists keep you from giving him a shot.

7. How well-dressed he is

Either he's been dressed by another girl without your taste for a while or he's had no one to help him shop except for maybe his mom or his sister. Take him to Bloomies when the time is right. Once a guy experiences well-fitting jeans for the first time, he never wants to go back.

8. How different your tastes are

You might wish you could just date a carbon copy of yourself, who likes all the same weird things as you and already has concert tickets to all the shows you wanted to see, but one of the best parts about dating new people is learning new things. Maybe he'll open you up to your new favorite movie or TV show, and it'll just be one more thing you love about him.

9. How textbook "exciting" he is

If he's not exciting to your friends who like to go out in freakum dresses and get wasted four nights a week at ~da club~ because he prefers to snuggle with you at home, who cares? The most important thing is that you have fun when you're together, case closed.

10. How awkward he is

So what if he's always tripping over his shoelaces or making a slight embarrassment of himself in front of your friends? The smooth guys are the ones you have to look out for anyway, because they're usually the ones with ulterior motives. His little quirks are endearing.

11. How old he is

Hey, plenty of great romances have happened between people who aren't even in the same generation. Don't let some bullshit societal rule stop you from living all your dreams.

12. How many people he's been with

He's not with those people anymore for a reason, and like it or not, they probably helped shape him into the dreamboat you ended up with. Numbers are just numbers and everyone has a past. Finding someone whose past fits with yours is the real key.

13. How good at romantic gestures he is

A guy who's good at big gestures is usually a guy who's had to do a lot of apologizing in his time, and you don't want that in the long-term. He should be better at the everyday things, like listening to you and genuinely caring about how your day went. Those are what add up and make the difference between a fling and someone with serious marriage potential.

14. How many friends he has

It's fun to date someone who comes with a posse and a traveling party everywhere they go, but a guy who doesn't have a crew might be a guy who's better with a few, very intimate friendships. He'll probably also be more attentive.

Does sex count as exercise?

Sex can often be a pleasurable experience. But it also has benefits some reports have compared to those of exercise. So can sex really count as a workout?

Sex isn’t only a pleasurable experience, with some reports claiming the act also has health benefits that can be compared to those of exercise.

In fact, the physiological response to sex is similar to that of exercise. Landmark studies in the 1960s showed people having sex had an increase in their respiratory rate, heart rate, and blood pressure.

These are all signs the body is working at an elevated rate, similar to that experienced during exercise.

More recently, these findings have been replicated by a number of researchers using less obtrusive, miniaturized and wireless equipment, enabling more realistic results.

Again, they found a significant increase in markers of physiological stress, such as heart rate and blood pressure. Comparing this to what happens during exercise, they showed sexual activity elicits a moderate level of physical stress — up to 75 percent of maximal exercise.

But they also noticed these physiological stress levels were intermittent. Much of the average time of sexual activity recorded (33 minutes) was spent at lower stress levels.

A more recent study of young Canadian heterosexual couples showed a bout of sexual activity was akin to moderate physical activity (such as brisk walking) when energy expenditure was measured.

Sex is kind of like exercise

So sex is exercise? Well yes and no. It depends on your definition of exercise. If you compare the two purely by the physiological change that occurs, then yes, because sex elicits a change in human physiology akin to exercise.

But if you believe exercise should change human physiology for the better, in the long term, then perhaps no. This is because, for most of us, sex isn’t sustained long enough nor occurs frequently enough for a true physiological change to happen in the long term.

Also, we haven’t really explored the other benefits of exercise and contrasted them with sex. For instance, muscular health is recognized as a major component of a person’s health.

We know lots about gaining muscular health through resistance training and other exercises. But does sex give enough of a workout to change muscular health? Well… I sense a research project in the pipeline.

The studies mentioned above also reported a distinct difference between responses in males and female participants. The reasons for this difference — whether men are more physically active during sex compared to women or whether different sexual positions place a greater demand on the human body — have yet to be explored.

What about masturbation? Increases in heart rate and systolic blood pressure have been reported during masturbation. But both the level and duration of these increases weren’t as high or long as with intercourse.

Judging by measurements of heart rate, masturbation really only equates to light exercise, such as slow walking.

How exercise affects sex and vice versa

In many cases, exercise can also be helpful to sex. Research into pelvic floor exercises in women with pelvic pain, for instance, has shown they improve sexual function. Women reported increased control, confidence, heightened sensation and less pain.

While in men, exercises that train the perineal muscles in front of the anus help with premature ejaculation.

And what about how sex affects exercise? Should professional athletes, for instance, refrain from sex before a competition?

Not if they wait long enough after sex. Sex has been shown to have no negative effect on sports performance but can have a negative effect on recovery if you compete within two hours of having it. This means athletes could take longer to recover from one bout of exercise to another.

So in answer to the question of whether sex is really exercise. Kind of. But you can test it out for yourself and see how you feel.

Medical daily

7 legitimate reasons to walk out on a first date

In an ideal world, there’s be just one legitimate reason to peace out in the middle (or beginning) of a first date: because you feel like it. Whether you’re uncomfortable, bored, or just wish you could be watching Law and order: SVU, you shouldn’t feel like you’re being socially held captive by some person you don’t even know.

Though there should be zero expectations on a first date, walking away from a bad one is still easier said than done. After all, how would you feel like if someone rejected you mid-fondue? Nevertheless, while soldiering on might feel like the “nice” thing to do, it’s just delaying inevitable rejection.

Here are a few situations in which you should never feel bad for calling it early (if not completely disappearing during a trip to the powder room):

1. They misrepresent themselves

You don’t owe a liar anything. So call it a night on that dude who didn't own up to being a Trump supporter—despite your clear preference for the Dems—before luring you to a mid-priced sushi restaurant.

2. They’re sexist

Or racist. Or, any-ist that makes you uncomfortable, really. This isn’t Thanksgiving, and your date is not your Tea Party uncle, so you don’t need to put up with that.

3. They’re rude to everyone but you

Treating a server or bartender like “the help” is just a preview to all sorts of trashy, disrespectful behavior that'll inevitably emerge in the future. So anyone who snaps, barks orders, or otherwise punishes people who are just trying to do their job is asking to end the night alone. Let them!

4. You don’t want to see them again

To be clear: A date doesn’t even need to be egregiously bad to end early. Just because someone's not a garbage person, doesn't mean you owe them three hours of your life. Simply try to be respectful and polite when peacing out (you know, be a human). 

5. You’re uncomfortable

Maybe this has nothing to do with the person you’re on a date with—maybe you’re hungover, or overworked, or just plain not feeling human interaction that day. You might be hesitant to end a date with someone you like because you’re not at your best, but any first date that deserves a second wouldn’t guilt you into staying out to protect their own ego.

6. You get a bad vibe

Real talk: If you feel like taking on the emotional burden of telling bad daters why you’re not interested, rather than making an excuse or running for the hills, go ahead. But in this scenario, it’s perfectly acceptable (and safer) to make a break for it if your creep alarm is sounding.

7. You just feel like it

Once more for the seats in the back—no one owes anyone, anything on a first date (besides common decency). It doesn't have to be a drawn out affair. Take a lesson from dogs: When they meet, they sniff each other’s butts for two seconds, and either decide to kick it or move on. Be a dog (but like, a respectful one).

Womenshealthmag

10 things guys think when they find out you're single

1. This has completely changed the way I'm looking at this interaction now. There's a definitive difference between talking to a woman and talking to a single lady. Earlier, he either assumed you weren't single or the thought hadn't even entered his head. But now you've activated the primal part of his brain that sees you as a potential mate and he can't shut it off.

2. Oh, shit. I have to go into "talking to single woman" mode now. This is some Jekyll and Hyde-level transformation. If you've never read that book, it's a Nutty Professor-style transformation. The second guys decide to hit on a woman, they transform into some terrible faux-suave monstrosity or a fumbling idiot. Sometimes both.

3. Did she mention she's single because she wants me to hit on her? Now he's going to spend the next five minutes trying to figure out if her singlehood was brought up organically or if it was a thinly veiled hint. It's something that will haunt him for years unless he gets to the bottom of it now.

4. So ... there's a chance she'll sleep with me. Like, a marginally higher chance than when I assumed she wasn't single. It's probably still in the single-digits, but still, that's something.

5. Don't ask her, "How is it possible someone like you is single?" Don't, don't do it. Please, don't do it. This is an awful and trite line, but it will still tumble awkwardly out of his mouth. And at that point, he's just got to own it and pretend it was cool, even though he's trying not to cringe so hard that it looks like a spasm.

6. Wait ... is she recently single? How recent? Because no one wants to be the rebound.

7. How does she define "single"? Some people still consider themselves "single" even if they're "sort of seeing someone," and no one wants to put themselves in the middle of a love triangle, unless you secretly enjoy Brontë novels. 

8. What if I misheard her? What if she said she's "bilingual"? That would be embarrassing, but the whole "bilingual" thing is pretty hot. Maybe she's both? PLEASE BE BOTH.

9. If I'm going to ask her out, I should probably wait awhile so I don't look desperate. I don't want to ask her out immediately after she says she's single, but I don't want to wait too long, either. Is three minutes enough, you think?

10. I just realized I haven't heard a single thing she's said since she mentioned she was single. I spent too much time having 10 specific and organized thoughts about this and I pretty much zoned out and I've probably blown it, anyway.

4 signs he's really invested in you

1. His gifts show he really knows you

A man who is invested takes the time to get to know you well, and his gifts will be a testament to his expert grasp of your likes and dislikes. The reason he bought you that travel guide to Hong Kong even though you only mentioned offhand that you want to visit? Because he pays attention, that's why.

2. He makes plans for the future

If he makes arrangements for a winter ski trip in May, you can be sure that he plans on having you in his life for some time yet. Commitment phobes will be scared of making plans for the next weekend, let alone six months from now!

3. He wants all his closest people to meet you

You know he's invested when he doesn't treat his "friend time" and "girlfriend time" as mutually exclusive. If he wants you over for the holidays or can't wait for you to have dinner with his buddies, it's a sign he wants them to love you as much as he does.

4. He posts pics of you on his Instagram

Instagram has become an unofficial dating profile, which means if he's advertising that he's taken, he really doesn't mind everyone knowing. And unlike planning a vacation, social media is a public declaration of his devotion.

Cosmopolitan 

11 reasons he hasn't asked you out yet

1. He's clueless

Entertain the notion that he has no idea asking you out is anything but laughable. He might think you're out of his league or not interested. He might never have thought of you "that way" but he totally could think of you "that way" if he had a little nudge. You could be one of those women where, five years later, while he's shopping over in the fruit aisle picking out whatever the latest superfruit of 2021 is (I think it's going to be grapes, watch out for grapes) and he's like, "Oh, shit. She had a thing for me." But there's an alternate splinter universe in which you are both buying grapes together, because you're married. Maybe drop a thinly veiled hint or two his way if you're really vibing on this future.

2. He just wants to be friends

Believe it or not, sometimes men and women can be friends, and it's just like, whatever.

3. He's way too nervous

He might want to ask you out, but he's scared of rejection or screwing up your friendship, and he's just playing it safe. So safe, he's not even going to take the risk.

4. He's waiting to get confirmation that you'll say "yes." 

He's hoping you'll both have one too many drinks and confess your love, or a series of zany events will bring you two together, rom-com style. 

5. He's also sort of seeing someone else

He might be casually seeing a few people right now.

6. He's crazy-busy

He might have a big project at work, or a he's taking a year off to backpack through Europe, and he doesn't want to start anything serious until after he comes back.

7. He's keeping you on the back burner

He likes you ... enough. But he wants to see how things pan out with someone else first. And no one wants to know they're a "second choice" so he's just stringing you along for as long as he can.

8. He's a sociopath

He just likes stringing you along because he's controlling and manipulative. It's probably (hopefully) not this one, but it's certainly possible.

9. His friends talked him out of it

For whatever reason, he's into you but his friends have given him pause. They probably introduced some weird, arbitrary, but mind-blowing "rule" into his life that he's now following. So he thinks he needs to wait X amount of time or establish Y amount of contact. 

10. He's got a thing for one of your friends ... or maybe he had a thing

It's possible you've got a few mutual friends and he just doesn't want to complicate things.

11. One of his friends called "dibs." 

The idea of calling dibs on a human sounds kind of gross, but it's really a guy's way of saying, "Hey, I like this girl a lot but I can tell she likes you ... can I please have a shot at wooing her?" Except way less formal.

Cosmopolitan 

5 things you didn’t know about having sex with yeast infection

Few things in a woman's life cause more misery than a yeast infection. Between the itching, burning, and squirming, it's like your vagina's delicate ecosystem was struck by a natural disaster. Sure, the discharge alone makes you want to close up shop, but you've got a sex life to consider. The big question: Is it OK to get busy when your hoo-ha feels like a bakery?

Here are five reasons why you might want to put nookie on the backburner until things clear up.

1.Sex can be really painful

We've got one word for you: ouch! "Yeast infections can cause inflammation, irritation, and itching on vaginal tissue," says Alyssa Dweck, M.D., assistant clinical professor at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Since this tissue is already sensitive, sex might further irritate and aggravate symptoms.

Top it off with the fact that the infection can interrupt your vagina's natural lubrication skills, and your guy's peen may as well be made of sandpaper.

2.Guys can catch it

While not considered an STD in the traditional sense, it is possible to pass yeast infections to each other during sex, says Dweck. According to the Office on Women's Health, about 15 percent of men get an itchy rash on their penis if they have unprotected sex with a woman who has a yeast infection. (Gah.) If you experience yeast infections , consider seeking treatment as a couple: "I've seen patients with recurrent yeast infections that I couldn't get resolved until the partner was treated as well," says Danielle Cooper, M.D., a Louisiana-based board-certified ob-gyn.

3.It might last longer

Since the vaginal tissue is already inflamed, having sex can delay healing by causing further damage, says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center in New York. If you're using an OTC cream to clear things up, having sex can push the medication out of your vagina. Plus, depending on the meds, they can even damage the condom you're using for protection. (Cue "Psycho Strings.")

It's best to hold off on sex until a short course of OTC cream or a diflucan tablet can take hold, says Dweck. Those treatment options can resolve your infection in as little as 72 hours.

4.Your STD risk goes up

Untreated yeast infections can increase your risk of other infections, including STDs. "Since the vagina is inflamed, it's easy to injure the delicate tissue during sex," says Hutcherson.

You may unintentionally create microscopic tears in the skin that allow bacteria or viruses to waltz into your bod more easily.

5.You might have an STD

Some yeast infection symptoms (like vaginal itching, burning and discharge) are also symptoms of STDs. “Self-treatment with anti-fungal creams or tablets will delay some patients’ diagnosis,” says Cooper, who recommends checking in with your doctor just in case. “Yeast is only one of the causes of infection in the vagina, and you wouldn’t want to have an STD go undiagnosed because you were self-treating,” she adds.

Womenshealth

Confessions: Staying virgin until marriage isn’t always glorious

In a Christian home, you can challenge the menu but not the morals. The need for holiness as required by Jesus Christ is the holy grail of all moral teachings. Purity is passport – a pass needed for heaven.

Personally, my mother wasted no time in reminding me of this need. She got me a study Bible when I turned 13 and told me to consider my virginity just as important as my salvation.

I was to treat it as my most precious possession, guard it Secret Service-style. Losing my chastity before marriage, I was told, is a shameful betrayal and as incredibly shocking as a hen breaks its own eggs before they hatch.

I didn’t take these warnings lightly - not at all. People who didn’t grow up like me wouldn’t understand, but I did.

So, of course, I’ll wait until Mr Right comes around. The thought of not being a virgin on my wedding day frightened me and oh I couldn’t bear the shame that came with it, so I just wanted to wait.

When I was 15, I signed the pledge to put sex on the backburner. I was to wait until marriage in church. Yes, there was a physical piece of paper that I with a fresh stream of my virgin peers, walked into the church to sign. You signed it after a year-long teaching about the Bible. The church gave each of us a purity ring - physical seal for a mental conviction to keep an anatomical tissue under lock and key.

Fear was encapsulated in stories like "you can get pregnant if you kiss", "boys are wicked people", "boys always dump girls after using them", even "you can die if you have sex in school".
The ring reinforced my pride and determination, it fired me up like an athlete yearns for the tracks. So I decided, in response to all the warnings about the negative effects of premarital sex and fornication from church and home to take on an extreme attitude.

My dating life was seriously restricted. In fact, we did nothing – no kissing and no touching of any form. I stayed away from anything that would compromise the vow I’d taken and the promise I made to myself.

My husband and I dated for two years, got engaged in the third year and married in the fourth. We shared our first kiss at the altar, a tale my friends find incredible. They cannot fathom how I was able to date a guy for three years without kissing him even once.

“How did you do it. How will you know if you’re compatible or not if you’ve never kissed him or touched in any way,” they’ll ask?

Sincerely, kisses, touches or being compatible with my husband was the last thing I worried about. I never did, because I was assured that sex is amazing, perfect, mind-blowing, when it’s done in marriage.

The thought of it now, at how naïve I was, makes me squirm.
It wasn’t all rosy, though. The decision to stay chaste was one enormous task. There were times when we almost gave up because the tension seemed so unbearable but we thought the sacrifice was worth it since we wanted to honour each other and our God.

Innocently, I assumed that all the wait will pay off with a hot, passionate breath -taking sex life after we finally said: "I do."

Neither of us had had any personal experiences. I think the only discussion we had about sex was staying away from it, aside that nothing else. We had no conversation with our friends regarding sex and of course, schools in Ghana don’t really offer any proper sex education.

The only time I asked my mother what she thought will happen since we were all novices, she responded with a very nice “oh don’t worry everything will fall into place when you get there. You’ll figure it out. Just know that it’ll be great.”

That was not true, it was never great. Things fell apart after the marriage. Sex was always painful, extremely painful. Sometimes I couldn’t even walk after it all. My private part would swell for days and passing urine…oh goodness!  Just so unbearable. Sex was like a medical treatment of severe burns in the hospital. Painful screams forcefully muffled to keep neighbours out of the business.

I visited a doctor when I just couldn’t take the pain and frustration anymore and there I was diagnosed with Vaginismus. A condition which meant I had involuntary contractions of my pelvic muscles, making sex extremely painful or sometimes impossible.

I was yet to experience the worst days of my life
I realised after several therapy sessions that the decades of staying away from sex and anything related to it subconsciously turned my mind into thinking sex was bad. A sin, an evil deed that should be avoided and not thought about. But now that it is good, my body is unable to come to terms with it. It does not know what to do or how to react because it has not known the opposite sex and couldn’t fathom an appropriate response to a touch.

Doctors are not really certain what cause Vaginismus. But it is generally linked to anxiety. And oh, did I say that vaginismus is caused by overly rigid  and unbalanced religious teaching and inadequate sex education? Yeah, that’s what it is. By the time virgins get married, they've been conditioned to rebel against intimacy.

As I came to a more realistic understanding of the difficult road ahead if I wanted to overcome my problems, I fell deeper and deeper into depression, ever more convinced of my utter failure as a woman and as a wife.

My friends were not any helpful after the wedding than they were before the wedding. But they can’t be blamed for my decisions. What could they have possibly said to someone who decided to lock ‘themselves up’ for years? They can’t be blamed for not finding  the right words to console or support me with.

As I fought to get my body in the right shape, I found myself becoming increasingly infuriated with everyone around me — my husband, my family, my friends, and most of all, God.
Why was I the one paying this price, this harsh form of injustice, why me? I gave up all the fun I could have had to remain a virgin to please God and my husband, only to be rewarded with a stressful and frustrating life full of uncertainty.

Sadly, I'm not alone. I know there are many women with this, but no one is ready to talk about it. The fear is that the church values will be lost and teenagers will become promiscuous. All the church spends time doing is teaching teenagers to avoid intimate interactions. It is not a bad thing. It is the right thing.

But over-zealous teachings can go overboard. From that point, what you put in the teenager is not faith. It is fear. Isn't it about time we started talking about sex and not feel shy about it?
Parents should be able to talk about sex with their children. Often times they try to put fear in children to stay away from sex. The more they try, the more curious the children get. And we all know how far children can go to satisfy their curiosity. Many have grown up with this culture and feel uncomfortable talking about sex even as adults. It isn't the best, is it?

How soon after an orgasm can you start again?

After a successful session in the sack, you might be ready to call it a night—but what if she’s looking for an encore?

Unlike women, guys must take into account their refractory period before they can consider having sex again. This refers to the time lapse between your initial orgasm and when you’re able to experience an additional ejaculation and orgasm.

And unlike what you see in movies, the notion that you should be able to have sex three or four times within a few hours on a Saturday night probably isn’t realistic for most men, says urologist Richard K. Lee, M.D., of Weill Cornell Medicine.

“Unless you’re 14, you’re probably going to need at least an hour or two to become erect after ejaculating,” says Dr. Lee. 

In fact, there’s no hard data on how long your refractory period can last. However, estimates range from 30 minutes to 24 hours, and it likely increases with age, according to a new review in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Scientists aren’t exactly sure what’s responsible for the latency period. But research suggests that post-orgasmic spikes in the hormone prolactin—which hinders arousal and ejaculation—may contribute.

Certain lifestyle factors might also play a role. Drinking alcohol or masturbating regularly could further extend the time it takes you to recharge, says Dr. Lee.

But if it seems to take you days to regain your ability to function sexually, tell your doctor, Dr. Lee advises. 

He or she can help figure out if lifestyle habits are hindering you from getting hard, or if other factors—such as stress, new medications, or health conditions like heart disease—are causing actual erectile dysfunction.

Menshealth

3 things to do with ice cubes in bed

Want to heat things up in the bedroom? First, cool down.

By employing a technique called temperature play—using hot or cold sensations to stimulate the neuroreceptors under your skin—you can add a little kink to your sex life, says Talia Wagner, relationship expert.

“Stimulating nerve endings in foreplay builds anticipation and excitement, highly intensifying the pleasure,” says Wagner. 

Tease your partner 

All you need are a couple of ice cubes to get the fun started.

Take several ice cubes out of the freezer and set them into a bowl. Then slowly draw one along your partner’s skin.

When she starts to feel the super-cold temperatures, it’ll cause her nerves to perk up and anticipate the sensations to come, Wagner says. If you really want to drive her wild, avoid the erogenous zones—like her nipples or inner thighs—until the very last minute.

As you build up her arousal, her body will start to heat up, and those sensitive areas will feel even more sensitive when you eventually touch them with ice. 

But a word of caution: Don’t place anything frozen directly onto the genitals. Remember when Ralphie got his tongue stuck to the pole in A Christmas Story? Don’t let that happen to your partner’s lady parts.

Toggle Between Temperatures

When her body gets hot, it starts to loosen up; when it gets cold, it contracts. By playing with her temperature, you’ll build and release loads of sexual tension.

Try this: Get her hot and bothered with something warm—whether it’s a lubricant or drizzle of honey on her stomach—and then brush her nipples or her inner thighs with the ice. The shock of cold will send shivers down her spine. 

Enhance Oral Sex with Ice

Put an ice cube in your mouth and suck on it before going down on her. She’ll feel the heat of your breath and the frostiness of the cube at the same time, which will keep her nether region alert (from the cold) and relaxed (from the heat), Wagner says. 

Bonus: “Ice can also prolong your ability to withhold orgasm, thus leading to a heightened state of sexual arousal,” says Wagner.

If you feel yourself nearing climax too soon, ask her to slow you down with an ice cube—either in her mouth, or along your body—to delay your orgasm a little longer.

Menshealth

11 signs he's going to propose

It sort of goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: Don't take any of these as out and out guarantees your guy is about to pop the big question. I don't want anyone getting all excited and putting a down payment on their dream venue just because their boyfriend seems to maybe fit a few of the items on this list. There are always other explanations. But do these mean he could be proposing soon, especially if he's doing most of them? Quite possibly.

He's started acting really shady and you know he would never cheat on you

If a guy can't account for lost time, hides his phone, and generally acts sketchy, there are usually only two reasons why: He is either cheating on you or planning a massive surprise.

He's suddenly gotten very frugal with his budget

He could be saving up for anything. VR headsets are big these days, and those things are expensive, so it could be that. It could be season tickets. It could be any number of things. But it could be an engagement ring.

All of his friends are getting engaged

Granted, this doesn't mean he's going to fall in lockstep with everyone else just because, but if you're at the age and everyone around you is tying the knot, it could be the kick in the ass he needs.

He disappears when you're out shopping

Was he scoping out engagement rings while you were browsing for a new bathing suit? Some guys might take the time to do some recon work while you're distracted. But why run the risk of you finding out instead of going alone? If he is browsing around for an engagement ring like this, he's probably in the very early stages, so hold tight. Alternatively, maybe you live in the middle of Siberia and can only get to the mall once a month, making his shopping behaviors completely indecipherable. 

Your parents start acting very coy

He might have gone to them for permission first, so if you have a mom or dad that can't keep a secret, see if they drop any massive hints or sideways glances whenever you mention another one of your friends getting engaged.

Your jewelry box is definitely not the way you left it

It's entirely possible that he was double-checking your ring size. Just keep in mind that not all rings come with the promise of eternal love. Some of them are just regular rings. And, unless he's the kind of guy that's incredibly blunt, if he outright asks you for your ring size, it's almost definitely not for an engagement ring. Although, maybe he's really slick and is asking so he's prepared a few years later when you've forgotten he's even asked. Props to this guy.

You've noticed he's gotten texts from your friends and family that he almost never talks to

He could be getting some input on the kind of ring you want (assuming you haven't dropped hints on your own). Maybe he's planning a post-engagement surprise party or trying to plan the best way to propose.

He's made uncharacteristically romantic dinner/date/vacation plans

Unless you've got a birthday, anniversary or a potential promotion at work coming up, he's probably setting this all up for the big question. If he sends you on a romantic scavenger hunt, the odds increase even more. Same for a tour of all the places you've ever met. Or if he starts doing something crazy and has a friend filming him in the hopes that it becomes a viral engagement video.

He's dressed up for no reason

Maybe he's on a Mad Men bender, or he just wants to reinvent himself. Or, you know, he wants to look good for the inevitable engagement photo. It really depends on just how weird it is to see him in a suit.

He's getting down on one knee

This is it. Especially if he's hit every other point on this list, I'd say it's now reasonable to get excited about the whole thing.

Cosmopolitan

Why many marriages are failing today

‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and the two shall be one flesh’ Gen. 2:24.

Oh what a beautiful and glorious moment it is when two people decide to come together and spend the rest of their lives as one.  The day they share their vows with one another marks the beginning of a lifetime of commitment; it is the day they change from 'I to We'. It is the day they tell their families and the rest of the world that, they bind themselves to one another forever till death separates them.

At that moment, many married couples probably believed what they were saying, and were also probably sincere about it. So what changes their minds about the, ‘for better, for worse’? Why is it that today, in most marriages; it is ‘for better for stay, for worse for go’?

There are many reasons why many people marry; and due to some of these reasons, their marriages fail.

These are some of the reasons why some people marry:

1.Because they are late in marriage: Since they feel like time is passing them by; either it is because all their mates are getting married or they feel that age is not on their side. For this reason, they will marry the first man or woman who shows the slightest interest of settling down with them.

2.In need of financial security: One of the most common reasons many young ladies enter into marriage and in some rare cases, some men, is to find stability financially.

3.Physical attraction: This is another common factor for marriage.

4.Family Pressure: Anything to please mum or dad or extended family members.
These are but to mention a few. But this article is not more about these reasons; but rather about what I believe is the main reason for the failure of many marriages today.

Since marriage is a lifetime commitment, I believe to enter into it, we must be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared.

1. Spiritual Preparation
There is no foundation stronger than Jesus Christ. Any marriage that is not built on Christ is doomed to fail. ‘……all things were by Him; and without Him was not anything made that was made…..’ John 1:3.

Before entering into marriage, you must pray fervently for your partner, because to become one with another is a spiritual bond. If you do not share the same faith, there is bound to be confusion and differences, which might cause the marriage to crash. Because you are one, what affects one, affects the other. The devil will always try to use the weaker to destroy the stronger.

If you are a believer and you enter into marriage without Spiritual preparation, not only will your marriage fail, your relationship with Christ could also be affected. Marrying someone who is not of the same faith can have serious consequences on your relationship with Christ, and I don’t just mean denominational or religious faith. You could both be in the same church and your partner may not be born again.

‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. If they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he has not another to help him up’. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

Without spiritual preparation, you may be one in body but alone in spirit. After all, “can two walk together if they don’t agree?” Amos 3:3

2.Mental Preparation

What kind of mindset are you entering the marriage with? What is your opinion or knowledge about marriage? What is your opinion or knowledge about the opposite sex? Do you view the opposite sex as a necessary evil? Do you view marriage as a necessary rite? Then your marriage is doomed to fail.
To have a successful marriage, you must have a real understanding of marriage; that is, what marriage is truly about. You cannot view marriage in the general terms of what you may have witnessed of other people’s marriage or by your past relationships. You must be willing to have an open mind and also be optimistic and positive about your marriage.

3. Emotional Preparation

If you are over sensitive and overly sentimental, then you are on shaky grounds. You must be emotionally balanced. As human beings, we are fallible; therefore prone to mistakes. Do not enter marriage expecting perfection and smoothness. You must be prepared to work for it. If you are someone who gets hurt easily, then you must be prepared to develop a thick skin and learn to keep your emotions in check.

4.  Financial Preparation

No one is asking you to be filthy rich before you get married, but you must have a source of income to be able to provide or support your family. You should at least prepare for the future of your kids and future emergencies.

 Without these preparations, you are like a man or woman who goes to the farm without his/her tools. You are also like a student who goes into the exams hall without his/her stationeries. You will yield no results and you will return empty handed.

 To have a successful marriage, let us learn to seek the wisdom of God and also be thoroughly prepared. When you rush into something, you crash eventually.
Stay blessed and always remember that Jesus loves you dearly and I do too.


Credit: Trudylove Smith Freeman

Just married! Empire stars Trai Byers and Grace Gealey tie the knot

Empire stars Trai Byers and Grace Gealey have tied the knot.

The 32-year-old onscreen eldest son of Lucious Lyon (Terrence Howard) wed his 31-year-old girlfriend, who plays Lucious's ex-fiancée Anika Calhoun.

TMZ reported that the duo exchanged 'I do's' in a private ceremony at a mansion on Grand Cayman Island on Thursday, with a very limited guest list which reportedly did not include any of their Empire co-stars.

The short, five table, guest list was limited to close friends and relatives, who dined on steak and lobster during the following celebration.

Following the ceremony the happy couple - and guests - celebrated dancing to hip-hop, disco, and reggae.

Trai proposed to Grace on her 31st birthday this past July, with Us Weekly reporting that he 'popped the question and she was totally surprised and elated. She can’t stop looking at the ring! They celebrated all night.'

Prior to their engagement, rumors of a relationship between the two Empire stars had circulated for months. 

Grace seemed to first confirm the engagement while appearing on an October episode of FABLife, hosted by Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen.

She had been speaking about her thoughts on relationships with co-workers, sharing that she believed it was less likely to be trouble if you established it wasn't a fling or 'frivolous and fleeting.'

'[You have] to have the maturity to say that if this doesn't work out, you're not going to you know, throw staplers,' she said.

This prompted Tyra to ask about Grace's relationship with co-star Trai, after which she flashed her engagement ring, noting: 'For real, for real. Not a fling!'

And when Tyra asked if the actress had told anyone the big news yet, she hinted that her FABLife appearance was the first announcement, quipping: 'I just did!'

The newlyweds star on Fox's smash hit empire, which airs Wednesdays at 9pm. 

Dailymail

Treat him like a King; spice up your marriage

The beginning of every relationship is fun, exciting and beautiful. You can’t wait to see or hear from him. Whenever he calls, u get all excited and warm. Then with time the feeling dissipates. You are just happy to see him and that’s it. Familiarity sets in and it’s no longer stars and rainbows.

As the months go by, you just go along for the ride. You are just comfortable being with him because you are so used to him. And when he pops the question, you say yes because it’s the right thing to do; and you can finally fulfill your dream of being in a white long dress led down the aisle with all eyes on you and being the envy of the single young girls present.

And after the ceremony and the honeymoon, everything gets back to normal. He becomes just a house or roommate. And you go through life together mechanically. Soon you both get bored of each other and you try to find excitement elsewhere; in your friends, work etc.

Well it’s never too late to put some excitement back in your marriage. It’s time for you to spice it up.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

Here are some Tips:

1. Love Notes: - Women are not the only ones who like to read love notes and poems. Men also like that. Leave some poems and love notes in places he can find. You can put some in his suit, trousers, jacket or briefcase before he goes to work. Write to him how much you love and adore him. Give him some flashbacks of some of the wonderful times you’ve had together. You can also write some nice poems, either your own composition or someone else’s which you think best describes him or your feelings for him.

2. Appreciate Him: - Many women fail to appreciate their husbands for taking care of their responsibilities and being good husbands. They forget that not all men are responsible and kind or even faithful. Learn to say thank you when he helps out with the kids, leaves money for the home or fixes something in the house. Buy him little gifts to show your appreciation for who he is and what he means to you. Don’t take anything he does for granted. Some women even fail to say thank you when their husbands compliment them on their dressing or when they give them gifts they may have thoughtfully purchased for them.

3. Compliment Him: - If you fail to compliment him on how he looks before he steps out, there are many women out there who will and that could cause some problems for you. Check out his outfit, his hair and his whole outlook and give a gentle critique if it’s not good. If it is, let him know that too. Take time to notice when he has something new on and let him know how it looks on him. You can also get him things to match his favorite outfits. Sometimes u can choose his entire outfits that you believe he’ll like, both the clothes and shoes. Iron the clothes, shine the shoes and lay out neatly for him.

4. Pamper Him: - Men like to be pampered as much as women do. When he puts his head on your lap or shoulders don’t push him away. Sometimes when the two of you are watching TV together, take his feet and massage them or cut his nails for him. You can also give him a pedicure yourself. Prepare warm water, add some scented soap and put his feet in it. After a while, rinse them with warm water and then rub them with some gentle oil. Give him a good body massage at least once a week. Cook special meals for him from time to time. And sometimes you can also take him out for a treat or plan a romantic getaway for the two of you. Surprise him in the most romantic ways possible.

5. Show Interest in His business: - If you get home before him, make sure you look out for him.
Meet him at the gate, give him a warm welcome, a peck and a hug and take his briefcase or jacket. Prepare a warm bath for him, serve him his dinner then after all that ask him genuinely about his day in the office. Pay attention to him as he unburdens himself and show interest by putting in one or few comments and questions where necessary. If he needs your opinion about something concerning his business, make sure what comes out of your mouth is objective and intelligent. Share ideas with him. And in the course of his day at work, check on him either through a text or a call, but don't make it seem like you are stalking him. Lest I forget, occasionally you can surprise him with lunch at the workplace.

6. Spice up Your Sex Life: - Do not be complacent about your looks. Men are attracted to physical beauty as well as inner beauty. They appreciate a woman who takes care of herself. Dress to attract your husband. At night, after your bath smell good and look good. Buy sexy provocative lingerie’s and wear them to bed. Sometimes you can sleep naked. Try role plays when you are making love and don’t forget foreplay. Don’t rush your man. Touch him in places he never knew could excite him. Whisper sweet nothings into his ear, take charge and carefully and passionately make love to him like there is no tomorrow. Make sure he is very satisfied.

Do not be too rigid or overly spiritual. Be flexible and if your husband buys you a gift of lingerie or underwear, do not reject it in the name of spirituality. Remember God created sex for married couples, so there’s no better place to enjoy sex than in marriage.

Well Ladies, these are but only a few of the things you can try to bring some excitement into your marriage. If a man gets even a little bit of that, he will worship the very ground you walk on. Sex is not the only thing men appreciate in women. So get the dullness out of your marriage and enjoy.

Watch this space for the second part of this article titled Treat her like a Queen; spice up your marriage.

Stay blessed and always remember that Jesus loves you dearly and I do too.

Credit: Trudylove Smith-Freeman

What are Blue Balls?

Medically, it is also called Epididymal hypertension, this condition is what happens when an unsatisfied and sexually aroused male retains fluid after a prolonged arousal. The fluid (most probably semen) and blood in the man’s penis and testicles is retained, causing major pain and discomfort in the genitals and lower abdomen.

Any man who has experienced this condition knows how painful and embarrassing it is and how they are usually too shy to talk about it even to a doctor. Most girls and women have heard about this but have absolutely no idea how painful it is and rather see it as fun giving a guy blue balls and getting a reason to laugh at him. Don’t blame them! They just don’t know what they are doing.

Scientists now know that a similar phenomenon occurs in women due to the vaso-congestion process and produces an ache in the pelvis and lower abdomen.

What Causes Blue balls?

When a man becomes sexually aroused, the arteries that carry blood to his genitals enlarge, while the veins that leave the genital area constrict, allowing less blood to escape. This uneven rate of blood flow increases the quantity and pressure of blood flow and traps it in the genital area.

This pressure is responsible for producing an erection and making the testes swell to be 25-50% larger than their normal size. If an orgasm is achieved, the blood vessels will return to their normal size and the volume of blood in the genitals quickly returns to its normal level.

By contrast, if a man does not have an orgasm. , blood in the genitals builds up through a process called vasogongestion and may create sensations of heaviness, aching, or discomfort.

All we know is that a man gets it when he is sexually turned on and excited for a long time and when he nears orgasm but does not release, the balls pull up tight to his abdomen and cause pain.

Simply put this is a condition of having the genitals congested with fluid and blood flow from prolonged arousal.

The reason this condition is termed “blue balls” is that the scrotum may turn a bluish hue from the accumulation of deoxygenated blood in the testicles.

Oxygen rich blood on the surface of the skin creates a red colour, while blood with little oxygen appears blue. The longer blood stays in the testes and scrotum without circulating to the heart and lungs the less oxygen it obtains and the more blue the skin appears but this can only be seen in people with white skin.

How long do blue balls last?

Blue Balls do not last more than a few hours and usually go away after ejaculating. If it does not go away within a day it’s better to go to see the doctor.

How to prevent Blue Balls?

There are only 2 ways of prevention:

1.Ejaculate

2.Do not put yourself into a situation of prolonged sexual arousal without releasing. (if Possible).

How to Cure Blue Balls?

When it comes to treatment and remedies, first of all you should know this condition can’t be deadly and you will not die while experiencing it. Often the symptoms such as pain and discomfort will go away within a few hours.

Here are some simple remedies for you to get rid of blue balls:

The legit and simple way to cure blue balls is to ejaculate. How you do that is left to your imagination.

The second option is to just wait it out.

Home Remedies:

1. Simply lying down and massaging the balls to keep blood moving can help you to relieve the pain and discomfort. Maybe that was the main reason why so many boys in Boys’ schools constantly have their hands in their pants.

2. Taking a cold shower can be another folk remedy, dipping them in cold water will help numb the pain nerves and constrict the blood vessels. Sometimes it is also possible to make the problem worse since the blood vessels constrict.

3. Exercise- especially lifting something heavy can also be helpful for getting your blood flowing, walking up some stairs has the same result for blue balls relief.

4. Like exercise, walking, jogging and other activity may also help it go away sooner.

5. Take a small wet warm towel and try to wrap around the balls for 20 minutes to soothe the pain.

6. Placing cold objects like an ice pack on your genitals is another way but be very careful not to freeze your nuts.

7. Medications such as Ibuprofen or Tylenol can also help to relieve the pain.

Now you know what it is and what to do about it. So next time your neighbours girlfriend calls you to come and help him because he suddenly developed severe lower abdominal pain just ask him a few questions to diagnose blue balls and once you are sure what happened you can comfortably pretend to be the latest libido doctor in town and jump into action.

6 huge turn offs for guys that ladies don’t know about

When they happen we cannot simply bear with them. By “we”, I mean us men, so don’t get it twisted. Men have been subjected to some quite disturbing behaviors from the women. I hereby present my case that ladies should by all means try to tone down some of the things they do.

While your man can put up with some of these behaviours, he feels irritated. As it would be, these are some turn offs that ladies should probably know.

1.Long Fingernails

I saw a girl with 3D artificial nails. I mean of all the things, 3D finger nails, really! Did you know hey actually exist! Those nails look like they were borrowed from Lucifer’s personal assistant (no offence though). Keep in mind, super long fingernails are super turn offs.  Men like it natural, because sometimes long nails could be dangerous when a couple is trying to get cozy. So simple and don't over-do the nails!

2.Over doing the Perfume

This is actually irritating. Some ladies overdo it so much you would think they were swimming in a pool of perfume. Smelling good is one thing ladies, but spraying yourself like your life depends on it is not. I would advise that you keep it light ladies.

3.Too Desperate

Desperate women..jeez, I still ask myself where this breed of girls came from. You do not have to be desperate to show your deep regard for someone. When a lady does the right thing, men will appreciate it without necessarily being too desperate. Do not cling too much on your guy, it puts them off.

4.Playing Dumb

Who says this is cute? Never in the history of humanity has playing dumb ever been proved cute. We, humans, have been to the moon, to mention the least. Men always see through such plays, and it bothers them. And by the way, no one wants to have a dumb girlfriend in the 21st century, whether it’s a fake or not.

5.Talking about your Ex

This is a definite turn off, here on earth, in Mars and in every other planet that is yet to be discovered. You don’t bring such tales to threshold of you boyfriend’s hood, Never! Let’s just say if you are still in love with your ex, then it’s not a good idea to have you current guy. Period. I can tell you for free (I won’t mind some dollars though), that men hate this behavior the most.

6.Gossiping

My friend, Marion has coined gossip as “Catching up”. It’s her way of getting away with gossip. That aside, It doesn’t matter the word, gossip isn’t a good thing. If a man hears you talking badly about some other girl, he’ll question that. No matter how true your points are valid, it will make you look bad and you will score poorly here.

That said, I think I’ll go back to my previous important point. Being yourself is key to everything. It makes stuff simple and easier to handle. It makes you, you!

Credit: Evewomen