11 ways to have better orgasm

Maybe you're one of the few lucky women who has never faked an orgasm in her life, but many of us have either faked a handful (and given quite a performance), or don't fake it but aren't sure we'll ever have a real one. Or we have them, but they feel like near misses, and every time we're building to one, a familiar question rises: Will this be any good? It should feel more than good!

The good news is that you're not destined for a lifetime of mediocre sex. You actually can take control of the situation. Here are 11 ways to start having bigger, better orgasms:

1. Stop Faking It

First, be honest if you're not getting there. How the hell will your partner ever know what satisfies you if you're straight-up lying about it? The only think that does is condition him or her to keep on doing whatever s/he's doing that's not getting you off. So speak up after sex, rather than pseudo-moan your way through it, and you'll never have to fake it again. Dr. Ian Kerner Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of She Comes First, explains that while many women fake the big O to avoid bruising egos, in the end, it's just putting off conversation about sex, and communication is the key to better sex (and bigger orgasms).

2. Understand How It Works

Now let's take a moment to stop and ask: What the hell happens to our brains when we orgasm? Understanding what's going on in your body when you climax will help you figure out what makes the experience better for you. So, you're having sex. The pleasure center of your brain lights up and tells your body that it's receiving stimulation. That's when your brain's reward circuit kicks into action: The cortex takes that feeling of stimulation and sends messages to a part of the mid brain, the ventral tegmental area. The VTA's activity starts increasing, and then dopamine (the pleasure hormone) gets released, and that's when you're like Wow, this feels good. You need proper stimulation to get the dopamine flowing, which is ultimately what's going to lead to a powerful O, so it's important to find out what gets you turned on. Without stimulation, there's no activating the reward circuit, no dopamine, no orgasm.

3. Learn What You Like

You can't tell your partner what to do if you don't even know your own body. Masturbation can actually really help you with your sex life. If you know what turns you on and makes sex explosive for you, then you can tell your partner just that. Dr. Laura Berman Ph.D., renowned sex expert and relationship coach, says that touching yourself in front of mirror will help you get to know yourself, overcome any shyness or embarrassment you feel about your body, and figure out exactly what you like.

4. Work Your Sex Muscles

Muscle tension is key to reaching climax, so it's time to do some toning. Kegel exercises tighten the muscles that allow for the contractions that happen during an orgasm. To do them, you squeeze together those muscles in your pelvic floor that you use to stop urine flow. By doing Kegels everyday (like while you're sitting at your desk, on the train, eating a sandwich, whenever), you get your body in better shape, and while doing so, gain more control over the muscles involved during sex, which can help you turn OK orgasms into amazing ones. Berman suggests holding the muscles for three seconds and then releasing them for three seconds, and to repeat it ten times, three times a day, and to try to work up to holding it for ten seconds. You can even do this during sex for an even more intense orgasm.

5. Trust Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth Westheimer (you know, the famous Dr. Ruth), says that foreplay is incredibly important because it takes women MUCH longer to reach arousal than men do. So if it's taking you some time to get warmed up, don't feel bad about it. Unlike men, women can't just think about sex and be in the mood immediately; there has to be stimulation. Focus on the clitoris — blood flows to it the way it does to a man's penis, and you know how a guy would respond to sex if you completely ignored his penis during sex? You need stimulation, too!

6. Use Your Words

They don't have to be porn-y (or they can be, if you like!), but being comfortable saying naughty things to your partner, or just telling him or her what you like, is huge when it comes to sex. Why? Because, as stated previously, arousal happens as much in the brain as it does elsewhere. Berman suggests moaning, or telling your partner what you want, and later, saying what you're doing to him or her while you do it. This will only build up arousal and lead to a bigger O.

7. Try Aligning

Maybe you've heard that being on top ensures a better orgasm during heterosexual sex, but another position may be best. Coital Alignment Technique is actually designed to improve your O. It's basically missionary, but when the male partner enters, he lifts himself further up, so that as he thrusts, he makes contact with your clitoris. The idea here is that intercourse isn't just about penetration, it's about simulating the clit, which is so key to orgasming.

8. Stay Fit

Kerner says that exercise is key to a good sex life, including better orgasms. Not only does working out make you feel better about your body (and being comfortable with yourself is such a key part of good sex), but aerobic workouts help the body produce nitric oxide, which is the stuff the makes sexual arousal happen. It's also imperative to eat well — if you're eating crap, your desire will drop, and less arousal = less stimulating sex = fewer orgasms. You need vitamins to be able to reach the levels of arousal that will prompt a mind-blowing O: Omega-3s, for instance, reduce the build-up around arterial walls that can slow blood flow, and vitamins C and E are powerful antioxidants. If you needed a little extra motivation to make it to spin class or drink that green juice, now you have it.

9. Don't Be Afraid To Ask For Help

If none of the steps above help, something else could be going on. For instance, antidepressants can make orgasming difficult — SSRI's limit production of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that helps you feel pleasure. However, according to Psychology Today, medication isn't necessarily a death sentence for your sex life. Talk to your doctor about finding a medication that allows you to manage your depression and experience the pleasure you crave. If the issue is psychological — maybe something in your past that makes letting go during sex especially hard — it can be useful to see a psychologist. A sex coach can also be incredibly helpful, and can give you (and your partner) exercises to do to increase your pleasure. (Just make sure that the sex coach is board-certified with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.)

Yet another option is to see a pelvic floor therapist. Dr. Lauren Streicher, associate professor of gynecology at Northwestern University, told Refinery29 that visiting one of these experts is like seeing a personal trainer for your pelvis. The therapist can diagnose problems relating to the pelvis, including the inability to orgasm, and help you strengthen your pelvic floor. Think about it this way: If you couldn't ride your bike anymore because of a knee problem, you'd see a PT. Same thing goes for sex and orgasms.

10. Breathe

Tension is essential to climaxing. Paradoxically, so is relaxation. You want your muscles tense and your mind chilled out, and your best tool for calming your brain is your breath.

According to sex and tantra expert Suzie Heumann, conscious, rhythmic breathing helps you focus on the pleasure you're about to experience rather than the outside stressors (credit card statements! rent checks! feeding your fish!) that can be an enormous buzzkill. When your mind wanders, your breath can bring you back to what's going on in the moment and how it makes you feel. The type of breathing Heumann encourages here increases the flow of oxygen and our friend nitric oxide to the brain.

Think of this breathing as an act of control — you're taking conscious steps to ensure your own pleasure — that also allows you to let go. You've got nowhere to be, nothing to do but enjoy every minute of this.

Photos: 10 year old girl forced to marry 28-year-old man

10 year old girl forced to marry a 28 years old man in Kano, Nigeria.

Can your penis make your partner sick?

A healthy hump can do wonders for your well-being: Sex can boost your immunity, relieve stress, dull pain, and even help you sleep better.

But a cure-all roll in the hay can actually cause some women to come down with ailments far worse than just being lovesick. Your penis can do serious damage to her—and not in the good way.

See how taking her to bed may leave her bedridden.

1. Orgasm Overload

Yep, you really can deliver too big of an O: “After intense, multi-faceted levels of stimulation—like clitoral, vaginal, sometimes even rectal, all at once—women can experience an autonomic nervous system overload,” says Jennifer Berman, M.D., director of The Berman Women's Wellness Center.

Your partner’s body releases neurochemicals while her blood vessels dilate, causing her to feel lightheaded, dizzy, or nauseous, Dr. Berman explains. And the same thing can happen to men.

In fact, researchers have reported a similar male-dominant phenomenon called post-orgasmic illness syndrome, where guys experience flu-like symptoms up to weeks after an orgasm! 

2. Depression

Sex should be a mood booster, but roughly one-third of women admit to having felt depressed at least once after getting down, according to a 2011 Australian study.

Don’t take it personally: About 10 percent of women regularly feel sad, anxious, regretful, or irritable after some perfectly pleasing lovemaking, probably because of the hormonal shift post-orgasm, researchers speculate.

3. Headaches

You want it to be mind-blowing, not head-splitting: Sex can actually trigger horrible migraines in both men and women.

The International Headache Society reports two types of headaches with sexual activity (HSAs): The first—Type I—are pre-orgasmic, where pressure builds along with sexual excitement. Type II HSAs are explosive pains that occur with or right after climaxing.

A 2012 study in the British Journal of Medical Practitioners reported that migraine sufferers are most likely to experience this pain with pleasure, and that it affects roughly 1 in 100 people.

4. Allergies

Choose your condom wisely: People can have an allergic reaction to latex, spermicidal jelly, and certain lubricants, Dr. Berman says. In fact, your girl can even be allergic to your sperm.

“Sometimes a woman’s body perceives proteins in the semen as foreign, and this can cause irritation or burning for her,” Dr. Berman explains.

These proteins are unique to you, so her chances of having a post-coitus breakout are higher if it’s your first time together.

The latter reaction will lessen over time as she gets used to your chemical makeup, Dr. Berman reassures, but protect against all allergies—along with STDs—by using a latex-free condom and glycerin- and paraben-free lubricants.

5. Amnesia

You may wish you could wipe a few one-night stands from your memory, but for one Washington D.C. woman, her rendezvous actually cleared a whole day.

The 54-year-old showed up at Georgetown University Hospital unable to remember the past 24 hours—except that her amnesia started right after having sex with her husband.

The woman, whose experience was reported in a 2011 issue of The Journal of Emergency Medicine, was diagnosed with transient global amnesia, a rare condition in which memory suddenly and temporarily disappears.

Make up mistakes that make you look older

1. Using Too Much Foundation

A foundation that's too thick will settle into fine lines and sap the luminosity from your skin. "Only use foundation where you need it to even out discoloration," says makeup artist Frances Hathaway. "You don't have to cover every inch of your skin." When buying a foundation, avoid those described as "matte," "velvet," and "long-wearing"; look for sheer liquid formulas with light-diffusing pigments.

2. Over-Concealing Your Under-Eye Circles

A thick concealer that comes in a stick or pot will eradicate the shadows under your eyes, but it will also draw attention to the crepiness and fine lines that usually show up in that area first (because the skin there is thin). A better option: A brush-on highlighter pen.

3. Wearing Deep, Dark Lip Colors

A dark color makes any surface look smaller—a welcome illusion perhaps on your hips but not your lips. To make your mouth look fuller (one hallmark of a youthful face), choose bright lipsticks and glosses (peaches, pinks, vibrant reds) over deep shades (burgundies, wines, browns). Makeup artists use another trick to create the illusion of luscious lips: Before applying color, trace a highlighter pencil along your upper lip line, then buff it out with your finger. 

4. Finishing with Powder

Youthful skin reflects light. Powders prevent light reflection and tend to magnify lines in the skin. If powder has been the final step of your makeup routine since high school, it can be difficult to quit cold-turkey. Then, start using it only on your nose and chin. Finally, trade the powder for a packet of blotting tissues—use one, only on the T-zone (nose, chin, and forehead), if you're shiny midday.

5. Wearing Black Eyeliner

Don't skip eyeliner altogether—it's a great way to make your eyes look more open—but choose brown over black, which can be harsh. And keep the color diffuse. "You want to define the eyes with softness and blending, not strict lines," says makeup artist Troy Surratt. "A thick liner can leave the upper lids looking heavier than they are." The best technique: Trace a brown pencil liner along the upper lash line (into the roots of the lashes), focusing on the outer corners; smudge it with a Q-tip.

6. Going Overboard with Lip Liner

A lip liner can define your lips and prevent color from feathering into any lines around the mouth—but choose one very carefully. If you line your lips too heavily, or with a color that's too dark, they'll look tight and pursed. For the most natural effect, your lip liner should match the color of your lips, not the color of your lipstick. Choose a creamy formula that won't adhere to any dry patches, and use it to fill in your lips entirely, so it wears evenly.

7. Using Liner and Mascara on Your Lower Lashes

Playing up your lower lashes can make your eyes look droopy and draw attention to dark circles. Instead, curl your upper lashes and wiggle a volumizing mascara into their roots and slowly through the ends for the most uplifting effect. 

8. Skipping Blush

A rosy flush on your cheeks brings instant life to your face. And, if applied correctly, blush can offer a little lift. Smile, find the fleshiest part of your cheek and apply color just slightly above it. Blend the color out toward your temples in circles, not a line, using a big fluffy brush. You want to avoid a stripe of color that stretches along your cheekbones, which can make you look drawn and hollow, says Surratt.

9. Applying Lipstick Straight from the Tube

 The borders of the lips soften with age, and any extra lipstick migrates easily. To avoid bleeding color, use your finger or a lip brush so that you don't deposit too much pigment. Concentrate the lipstick in the center of your mouth, and blend it out with a finger. Top it with a moisturizing balm or light gloss.

 

10. Choosing a Too-Dark Eyebrow Pencil

"Your brow color fades as you age, so the brow pencil that you were using at 25 will look too stark against your complexion at 50," says makeup artist Denise Markey. Choose the one that's a shade or two lighter than your natural brow color. If your brows are starting to get a little wiry, run a clear brow gel over them as well, brushing them up and out toward your temples.

Credit: Opera.com