You’re pretty sure
you’ve found that right person for you. You know, the one wo listens intently
while you vent about your growling day at work and is there to hold you tightly
on the couch. But how can you tell for sure? Luckily, science has some answers.
1. You're Both
Positive
Sure, this one
might not come as a surprise, but studies show that a positive outlook and a
few genuinely exchanged smiles a day can go a long way in keeping a
relationship stable. Researchers from the University of Chicago found that when
just one partner possesses a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in
the relationship. “Positive emotions are fundamental to any relationship
because they counteract the negative emotions that shut us down,” says Jane
Greer, New York-based relationship expert and author of What
About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. “This
translates into feeling more secure with your partner and more trusting.” And
the benefits of seeing the cup half full don’t stop there. Another study
published in The Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology found that couples who celebrated their
partners' achievements—say, a job promotion or killing that 7-minute mile—as if
they were their own, experienced greater satisfaction than those who reacted
negatively or with indifference. In the study, the couples who had broken up
rated their partners’ typical responses to good news as “particularly
uninspiring.” While this isn’t to say you should break out in the Carlton Dance
next time bae offers up some good news, it’s a sure sign that optimism can
benefit you both.
2. You Keep Texting
to a Meaningful Minimum
Between emojis and
GIFs, our feelings and emotions are pretty clearly captured sans alphabetical
symbols these days. But tread lightly when communicating with your significant
other via telecommunication, say researchers from Brigham Young University.
After surveying 276 men and women around age 22 and in committed relationships,
they found that heavy texting was to blame for both genders feeling
dissatisfied with their relationships. “Texting is precarious for a lot of
people in relationships because it’s hard to flesh out our genuine
expressions,” says Dr. Greer. “When one person is less interactive, the
expectation is not matched by the reality for the other, and this can lead to
disappointment and a feeling of disconnection.” Similarly, the study found that
the men who texted more often reported lower relationship quality than
those who didn’t text their partners as frequently, while the women who texted
more often reported higher relationship quality. Researchers speculate that as
men detach from the relationship, they replace face-to-face convo with
increased texting. The ladies, on the other hand, take to their mobile devices
to try and make things work. Bottom line? Hold the phone—literally.
3. You Limit Social
Media Use
You love checking
your Instagram, Facebook and Twitter feeds—and, chances are, it’s probably also
how you read your news. But over-scrolling
on social media may be one of the most
toxic things you can do for your relationship. One study in the Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social
Networking found that people who use Facebook more than once a
day (ahem, most of us) are more likely to report conflicts in the relationship
that inevitably lead to negative outcomes like cheating, breaking up, or
getting divorced. “Romantic relationships can be challenging enough to navigate
without these added technological complications,” says Joseph Cilona, Psy.D.,
Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist. “Finding ways to simplify or
minimize potential pitfalls, like limiting what each other shares about your
relationship on social media, is a great rule of thumb to follow.” But good
news for your social media mojo if you and your man or lady have been together
for over three years: These results only held for couples in the early years of
the relationship, which may mean the threat of Facebook coming between you two
reduces the longer you stay together.
4. You cuddle
Most of us admit to
loving the feeling of being physically close to another human – it is a natural
biological response. But when consistent physical intimacy (not just sexual) is
staple of how you both behave in your relationship, it also signals your levels
of happiness together. A study published in the The
American Journal of Family Therapy surveyed
100 men and 195 women to examine their preferences and attitudes towards
romantic physical affection—massaging, caressing, cuddling, holding hands,
hugging— and found overwhelmingly that the amount they experienced in their
relationship was significantly correlated to their levels of couple
satisfaction.” Cuddling and tenderness help maintain the physical connection
and intimacy shared between couples—not just when you’re being sexual,” says
Dr. Greer. “As a result, it can be easier to get turned on because there’s
always an element of sexual energy being shared through physical touches,
therefore leading to a happier relationship overall.” So next time you’re in
the mood to snuggle, remember science is on your side!
5. You Actually
Fight Instead of Holding Back Your Feelings
While you might get
down and out about the latest tiff you had with your boo, one study reports
that it may be the all-important glue that winds up keeping your relationship
together. Researchers from Florida State University found that expressing anger
when disagreements arise may actually be necessary in resolving problems in the
relationship. In fact, that whole saying “forgive and forget” could
surprisingly lead to buried feelings of resentment that fester and almost always come up later in the
courtship. “If you learn to argue in a healthy way early on, then you're more
comfortable expressing your emotions to your partner and working through your
different points of view,” says Dr. Greer. “This creates a good working
framework for handling arguments in a positive way instead of them resurfacing
constantly, causing more strain in the relationship.” So don’t be afraid to put
your feelings out there and fight (respectfully, of course) next time you feel
passionately for or against something in your relationship.
6. You Have
Regular Sex
If the honeymoon
phase has come and gone and the two of you still maintain a consistently
hot-and-heavy romp schedule, you’re on the road to relationship bliss. In fact,
a study published in the journal Society
for Personality and Social Psychology found that having sex at
least once a week brings as much
happiness to your relationship as
making an extra $50,000. For this study, researchers surveyed more than 30,000
Americans over four decades, and found that having sex just once a week was the frequency most
linked to relationship happiness. Surprisingly, couples who had sex more
or less frequently were not happier. “Intimacy is just another type of
communication, so if that communication falters, so will your sexual connection
in response,” says Dr. Tessina. That being said, your sexual chemistry is not a
race to the sack. “If you’re mutually enjoying more sex,
than it will make you both happier, but remember that it comes down to both
people wanting to be intimate that often,” says Dr. Greer.
7. You're Similar
You know the old
saying, “opposites attract”? Well, if you happen to have a lot in common with
your partner, it may be a better recipe for attraction. In fact, a brand-new
study by researchers from Wellesley College and
the University of Kansas found that we’re actually hard-wired to desire
“like-minded others.” They were able to reach this conclusion by analyzing
pairs or people—from romantic couples to friends and even mere
acquaintances—interacting in public. The pairs were asked questions about
attitude, values, and prejudice, among other things, and it was found that the
longer-term relationship pairs had greater similarities than those who had
recently become acquainted. “If you’re more alike in terms of your
personalities, you’re sharing similar styles of dealing with a variety of
things in life—from interacting with friends to experiencing life changes,”
says Dr. Greer. “So if you and your partner share similar values and interests,
you’ll wind up with more cooperative spirits and having a greater respect for
one another.”
8. Your Spending
Habits Differ
You’re certainly
not alone if you find that the majority of the arguments you have as a couple
are sparked by personal (or combined)
finances. In fact, a Money Magazine poll found that a whopping 70 percent of couples
argue about finances the most—more than household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and so on. But if the two of
you have stark differences in the way in which you prefer to spend—a.k.a. one
of you is a spendthrift and the other is a tightwad (yes, that’s an actual
term)—you just might be perfect for each other. The proof is in one study by
the Universities of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Northwestern. Researchers
surveyed over 1,000 married and unmarried couples, and found that most
individuals tend to choose their spending opposite when it comes to selecting a
lifelong partner. So if that sounds like you and yours, you just may have the
perfect yin-and-yang combo to make things work. “Just remember to prioritize
the big-spending opportunities like buying a car, house, etc,” reminds Dr.
Greer.
9. You Laugh at the
Same Jokes
If you and your
sweetie both know how to appreciate a raunchy comedy routine (Eddie Murphy Raw, anyone?), love anything with
Will Ferrell, or both equally detest either of those two scenarios, you’re a
match made in heaven, says science. A study published in the Western Journal of Communication found
that 75 percent of happy couples laugh together at least once a day. Even more
interesting, another study reported in the same journal found that 92 percent
of married men and women credited humor as a factor that made a significant
contribution to their married life. “Laughing at and appreciating the same
comedy is the emotional oil to grease the wheels of a relationship to keep it
moving forward,” says Dr. Greer. “It gives each of you the resilience you need
to laugh off the petty and irrelevant things that naturally build up in life
and offers more chances to bond intimately on a regular basis.”
10. You Both Love
to Booze It Up or Not At All
We’ve all seen it
at one point in our lives—the couple scenario where one person is totally sober
and the other is a giant, falling-all-over-the-place mess. There’s a good
reason why those unmatched levels of drunkenness or sobriety don’t wind up
working out in the end. In a study published in the journal of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research,
scientists reviewed data collected from nearly 20,000 married couples, and
found that the spouses who consumed relatively the same amount of alcohol were
less likely to divorce than pairs where one person drank more heavily or
significantly lighter than the other spouse. “I’ve seen many couples split when
one of the pair of drinkers got sober,” says Dr. Tessina. “Alcohol alters a
heavy drinker’s experiences and perceptions, so couples who drink heavily
together naturally have similar ways of living, as do couples who don’t drink
much at all.”
