Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Why you love morning sex and how to get more of it



There’s never a bad time to have sex, but science says it’s especially fun to mess around in the morning. How come?

For starters, you naturally build up testosterone overnight, which boosts your coital instincts in the A.M., says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want.

You also have higher levels of vasopressin, a hormone that helps give you feelings of emotional attachment. Couple that with an erect penis, “and you may feel closer and more attached to your significant other in the morning,” Nelson says.

But the groggy woman waking up next to you probably isn’t as psyched to shag at sunrise.
One possible reason? She may feel uncomfortable about her physical cleanliness after a night in bed, says Nelson.

After 8 hours of sleep, she hasn’t showered, brushed her teeth, or switched out of her pajamas yet. This can trigger stress that can prevent her from relaxing enough to enjoy sex, says Nelson.

Plus, if your partner hasn’t peed yet, “the same muscles necessary to stop urinary flow are the muscles that control orgasm,” she says.

If you do convince her to have a quickie before coffee, follow these steps to satisfy her:

1. Spend time cuddling

Start the process slowly. “Hold her and use close physical time before you make any overt sexual move,” Nelson advises. “From there you can work up to touching her breasts or genitals, stroking her arms and hair, and really helping her relax.”

This process releases the hormone oxytocin, which helps her feel connected to you. If she senses that you’re rushing her and she’s not in the mood, you’ve blown your shot.

2. Lay the compliments on heavy

The dirty talk you sling in the evening won’t work at 7 A.M. Instead, tell her how sexy she looks wearing nothing but a nightshirt.
“These things will override her tendency to feel insecure in the morning,” says Nelson.

3. Switch up your position

If you’re both repulsed by morning breath, avoid positions that call for mouth-to-mouth, like missionary, says sexologist Megan Stubbs.
Flip her around and try doggy, or spoon her to steer clear of any nasty stench. That way, she can enjoy the act at hand—and avoid holding her breath in horror.



Credit: menshealth.com

The strange way your underwear affects your sperm



You may have heard that tightie whities hurt your sperm.

The theory is that if underpants hold your scrotum close to your body, it makes your testicles too warm, creating a hostile environment for sperm production.

But any impact your underwear has on your semen is not enough to affect your ability to conceive a child, suggests a new study from the National Institutes of Health.

The researchers looked at 35 aspects of sperm quality for 500 men who wanted to conceive a child. Some aspects of sperm quality were better among men who wore boxers, and some aspects of sperm quality were worse.

All of the differences were so subtle, however, that none of them were statistically significant.
More importantly, the men’s choice of underwear did not affect how long it took them to get their partners pregnant.

Wear whatever underwear you feel most comfortable in, says study co-author Michael Eisenberg, M.D., an assistant professor of urology at Stanford University Medical Center.

If you want to conceive, the more crucial steps are to reach and maintain a healthy weight, eat well, and exercise regularly, says Dr. Eisenberg. (For a great workout you can knock out in 30 minutes without even leaving your house.

If you’re having trouble getting pregnant, keep in mind that fertility problems are due to the man about half the time, he says. See your primary doctor or a fertility specialist if you’ve been trying to conceive for 12 months with no luck.



Credit: menshealth.com


8 habits therapists say always end a marriage



And no, having an affair isn't on this list. ​​

Uh-oh: Your (seemingly innocent) daily habits—like scrolling through Insta in bed—could be destroying your marriage. "Research shows that there are a lot of little things people do that can indicate serious problems in relationships," says Carrie Cole, a couples therapist and certified Gottman master trainer at the Center for Relationship Wellness in Houston. The good news? Even if you're having problems now, it doesn't mean you're headed for divorce. A recent survey found that couples are more likely to try to work things out—and break the bad habits they've developed—than they were even 10 years ago. We're all for keeping you out of the lawyer's office, so watch out for these bad habits that couples therapists say always end in a split.

Talking trash behind each other's backs

It might sound like advice on avoiding high school drama, but speaking in a mean-spirited way about your partner when he's not around—not just poking innocent fun at his Star Wars obsession—is a red flag that, surprisingly, is pretty common, says Cole. And it could have a lot to do with your friends. "Women may fall into this habit if they're surrounded by people doing the same thing," she says. "If your close group of girl friends are constantly talking poorly about their own husbands, it may feel more normal for you to chime in and say, 'You think yours is bad? Listen to mine.'" But in reality, it shines a light on a deeper issue, says Cole. "It shows a lack of respect for him and your connection, even if he never finds out," she says, and starts a pattern of negative comparisons that can lead to even more criticism and contempt. Before you know it, your relationship is in a fast, downward spiral.

Fixating on what your hubs doesn't do well

Whether you're remembering how hilarious your ex was—unlike your comparatively quiet husband—or wishing your guy was a door-opening gentleman like your friend's husband, negatively comparing your spouse to others is another subtle kiss of death. "Even if you're only making notes in your mind, it can kill a relationship over time," says Cole. Try to remember that the grass always seems greener because one person is never going to have everything on your wish list, and your friends are probably jealous of something your own guy does—like the fact that he's got serious skills in the kitchen (#domestic god). And if there's a habit he's developed that you'd like to, err, tweak (like his tendency to overspend), there's nothing wrong with that—so long as you're not ultimately trying to change who he is. Cole says to use a gentle approach, and at the end of the day, you might as well focus on the good. Your marriage—and sanity—will be better for it.

Never putting yourself in your partner's shoes

We're not into gender stereotyping, but experts widely agree that men tend to have more difficulty with a skill called "accepting influence," which means having an ability to understand your significant other's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Experts think that guys struggle more to develop this skill because ladies tend to be more empathetic, thanks to the biological and neurological differences between the two genders. But just because it's harder to do doesn't mean it should be ignored. In fact, "marriages in which men don't accept influence from their wives are at a much higher risk for divorce," says Diane Gehart, professor of marriage and family therapy. Research from the Gottman Institute even found that when men don't do this, their marriage has an 81 percent chance of failing. (Yikes.) But just because men are usually the ones to struggle in this department doesn't mean the ladies get off scot-free. Men inherently want to feel understood too (it ties into their need to feel respected by their partner), so both parties should try to walk in the others' shoes when working on a problem.

Starting fights with your (figurative) fists up

When you're having a chat with your husband and suddenly go from an emotional zero to sixty, that's not a good sign. Doing so drives your partner away, explains Gehart, because it immediately shuts down the possibility of having a productive conversation. And unfortunately, women are the usual culprits. "Women are more likely to raise issues aggressively than men are," she says, and a study found that it's likely because men are usually able to quickly "calm down" and analyze a situation sans emotions, whereas women are more likely to go by how they feel. We know it's way easier said than done, but if you tend to yell or use a harsh tone every time your husband grates your nerves, try to pull back—otherwise you could instigate his defense mechanisms, which halts his ability (or willingness) to talk openly and honestly. And if he's not being real with you—and only hearing your anger or irritation—then what's the point?

Not knowing when to press pause on a fight

Once an argument gets going, it can be hard to stop it from spiraling out of control. But disengaging makes it easier to resolve problems, because you can then talk more calmly and compassionately, says Cole. If you don't, you're more likely to find yourselves yelling, crying, or freezing each other out—and that can have a literal effect on your body. "When people shut down during conflict, it's usually because their heart rates have skyrocketed to over 100 beats per minute, which throws you into fight or flight response," she says. "When that happens, you lose access to the part of your brain—the frontal lobe—that gives you communication skills. So sometimes you literally can't speak coherently, even when you try." So no, it's not a cop-out to take a break from talking mid-fight and resuming the conversation later. It can actually make the difference between a productive, solution-oriented talk, and one that sends you deeper down the rabbit hole. If it becomes a habit, that tunnel isn't going to lead you to Wonderland, but Divorceland.

Always putting on a good face

Even when you're trying to look totally calm, your body often betrays how you're really feeling. A few subtle cues that tip experts off to problems: A high-pitched voice, dilated pupils, and a slightly paled complexion—and they all usually come with that classic, fake smile and rigid movements. "These are all signs that someone is overwhelmed with their own emotions and shifting into a flight or fight mode, so they simply can't tune into their partner in a way that shapes a safe dialogue," says couples therapist Sue Johnson, Ph.D., author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. When you regularly fall into this—rather than just letting loose and telling your partner how you really feel about the fact that he invited your mother-in-law to stay for an entire week without even asking—then you create a pattern of refusing to be emotionally honest, Johnson explains. That automatically shuts off the possibility for him to understand, support, and potentially correct the problem with you—and instead tips the relationship into even more distress and distance that could ultimately derail a marriage.

Not fighting at all

When crickets replace conversation—and yes, bickering, because no two people will agree on everything all the time—experts say your relationship could be dying a slow death. Because when you don't even bother to bring up something that bugs you, it means you've stopped putting energy into the relationship and could be emotionally checking out, says Gehart. Now, that doesn't mean you should be picking fights in order to show you care, but if there's a sense of quiet resentment or ambivalence, it's better to bring up the issue than let it simmer. Because eventually, Gehart says it always boils over…and so will your marriage.

Waiting too long to deal with your issues

It's super common to put off having tough conversations, according to the Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College. After all, it's not like you're headed to a fun party. But not facing your problems soon enough can put you in a situation of too little, too late. "By the time many couples make their first therapy appointment—an unpublished study reported that the average couple waits six years from the onset of problems to seek help—the toxic dynamics have been in place for so long that it's harder to undo the damage," says Cole. That doesn't mean that all hope is lost, though. Just remember that the longer you wait, the more time and work it will take to get things back on track, and you both need to be willing to put in that effort in order for your marriage to succeed.

Confession: I killed my bestfriend’s son



Our lives were interwoven like a beautiful, expensive fabric. The kind you could only buy after clearing your bank accounts.

That was the value of the relationship between Tekey and I. We met at a cafeteria in one of the tertiary institutions.

We became friends, then sisters, then inseparable. Reading the same course –law – placed a near mandatory, matter-of-course seal to our friendship.

And when I hear people say opposite attracts, they are spot on. They are referring to our friendship because Tekey is like a trek to Turkey away from who I am.

Tekey was the wild one. Smart and beautiful and no one dared cross her path. Like Ghanaians will say ‘you will be laughing on the wrong side of their mouth’ dealing with her. On a day she didn’t feel like being ‘sober’, an entire lecture could be brought to a standstill. Tekey was an epitome of a fierce woman.

I prefer to lay low and keep my life out of the spotlight as much as possible. But Tekey ruined my tendency to lie low. Our course mates always asked “how do you live with her? She must be a pain”. What they didn’t know was that she treated me like an egg and most of the things she did, as I came to learn later, was to protect me because she thought I was “too soft”.

We met our ‘soulmates’ in second year when Tekey decided that we took an impromptu trip to a new mall which had just been opened on campus.  Reluctant me just got dragged along.
We window shopped until hunger told us to stop.

The restaurant Tekey chose was packed with people but thankfully, there was a table with four seats left in the far corner. We sat down and ordered our food and just after the food was brought in, Sam and P.K walked in.

“Can we join you ladies, there’s no vacant seat anywhere else,” Sam said. We both nodded. That was how a friendship of two turned into a relationship of four and three years later a set of two marriages. Tekey got married to Sam and I settled with P.K.

We lived in the same city and the husbands - Sam and P.K practised medicine. And whilst Tekey lectured in a private university I just decided to be a mother, stay home, make babies and take care of my family. That’s all I ever wanted.

We had a beautiful life. Tekey and Sam had two children – a boy and girl – while P.K and I had three – two girls and a boy. We shared everything together, lived in the same neighbourhood – our houses beside each other. Tekey and Sam had the key to our house and we had theirs. The wall that separated the two houses when we bought them was broken down because we thought it was a barrier to our friendship.

So Tekey and Sam could walk into our house anytime of the day and we could do same in theirs. Our bond was weird to the outside eye but to me it was captivating, somewhat magnetic.
The relationship we built into the heavens came crashing down to earth like the tower of Babel. Our great bond of friendship shared by two families and four friends was tested. And this is what happened.

One Tuesday afternoon, Tekey's husband, Sam came home excited  with a rush of achievement
I was in the living room watching a movie and since my husband had left for work and the kids for school, I didn’t bother to wear anything decent. A bathrobe was enough covering for a loner at home. When Sam barged into the house and saw his wife’s car parked, he believed dearie was home. She wasn’t in their living room so he gatecrashed my mid-morning movie-session.
“We did it, we did it. We’ve successfully completed a ten-hour surgery on a conjoined joins and both patients are alive!” he said.

I came off the sofa and gave him a hug. “That’s great Sam.”
But the hug lasted longer than it should. I could have pulled away but it felt too good, a feeling I’ve not had in a long while. For months, P.K. and I have not had any intimacy, no hugs, no kisses although we slept in the same bed every night.

The emotional rush of joy in a split second metamorphosed into a sexual spark. We both knew it wasn’t right but neither of us could muster any moral courage. We had sex right there in my living room, on my sofa and in my matrimonial home – and slept off.

The noise awakened us from whatever dreamland we were in. And from that awakening, we realised that Sam’s 14-year-old son had walked in on us.  Erin had come looking for his father just like he came looking for his wife. Before we could pull ourselves together and follow Erin, he run out of the room and out of the house – in a mixture of shock, surprise and shame.

All we heard was a harrowing squeal of breaks and skidding tyres and a sudden scream and bang. In fear, shock and shame, we raced down the front walk and there he was, lying motionless with his head bleeding. Erin had been knocked down by a truck.

Our lives changed into a deep colour of anguish and adrenaline as we rushed Erin into the Intensive Care Unit. A short grey-haired doctor said Erin was in coma.

Tekey and her younger daughter came running down the hospital’s hall way. I could see the fear in her face, the swirling confusion on her face. Alll she could ask was “what happened?”

Asking for us to add the sexual details was asking for too much. Too early for truth, too afraid for the families’ sanity, we told the story just as nice as we could.

He run into the street and was knocked down by a car. Tekey wanted more, she didn’t seem satisfied with the answer but her husband was there and assured her that everything will be fine, so she asked no more questions. Her only concern was how to get her son out of the state he was in and take him back home.

That never happened. Erin stayed in intensive care and in coma for three weeks. He died in the fourth week.

The innocent bright boy had been taken away from his parents just because of a moment’s weakness.
Nobody mourned loudly more than Tekey. Nobody mourned deeply than I. She was asking God why and God’s invisible hand was pointing to me. Only she couldn’t see it. She mourned the son’s death. I mourned the guilt of her son’s death.

The truth will keep everybody else mourning for years – even forever. Just because of 10 minutes of madness, a 22-year friendship, relationship plus marriage would just pulverise.

I don’t know how long I can keep my mouth shut. I’m still praying that Erin’s gentle soul rests in peace. I hope he forgives me and his father someday.

Very often and many times, I ask myself the question: Is silence better?

10 best things about being single



We rounded up some of our readers' thoughts and added in a few others to come up with the 10 best things about being single. Warning: if you're in a relationship, this story might make you miss your dating days! Feel free to add what you love about flying solo in the comments.

1.Dating
Checking out restaurants, movies, museums, or sporting events with a potential love interest (or multiple love interests) can be a lot of fun.

2. Flirting
Being single means you can flirt guilt-free! You're also free to kiss anyone you want!

3. More free time
Single? Now's the time to read a good book, take that yoga class, learn how to cook, learn a new language . . . The list of all the things you can do with your time goes on and on.

4. More friend time
Nights out with your girlfriends have a different spirit when you're single!

5. Never fighting with a significant other
An argument with your significant other can never ruin your day when you're single.

6. Getting more sleep
Many women say that when they're dating someone, they tend to get less sleep. Plus, when you're single, you don't have to worry about snoring!

7. New crushes
You can't look forward to your first kiss when you're already in a relationship!

8. Not being tied down
Want to travel the world? Eager to take a promotion or go to grad school in another city? When you're single, you're free to do these things without regrets or logistical headaches.

9. Time to focus on other goals
When you're not putting energy into a relationship, you have more to spend on furthering your career, running a marathon, or whatever your goal might be.

10. Unlimited possibilities
It’s exciting to not know exactly what the future holds for your love life and beyond!

Popsugar

Thursday, March 31, 2016

FEATURE: Is ‘An African City’ a true portrayal of the urban African woman?



At An African City’s Season 2 launch event in Accra in January, there were audible gasps from the crowd at the frank, no-holds-barred dialogue, and revealing sex scenes. But there’s more to the web series than its shock value. The show is a space for urban African women to navigate evolving beliefs between tradition and contemporary life in a rapidly changing society.

HBO’s Sex and the City is An African City’s inevitable point of comparison for many viewers. A decade after Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha bid us farewell, women still engage in spirited cocktail party conversations over which character they most identify with—the modern equivalent of a Myers-Briggs test.

Sex and the City was symbolic of contemporary debates about womanhood, and challenged the status quo. But the question remains—whose status quo? In arts and culture, the African woman is frequently represented as an object—a primeval Eve with scarifications and bare breasts, a breeding machine, or a sexualized spectacle akin to Hottentot Venus. In the news, she is a victim or a refugee. While these images are undoubtedly true, they are incomplete.

Until 2014’s arrival of An African City, the urban African woman lacked a pop cultural touchstone that could similarly create a new language to discuss their experiences from career to friendship to romance. Because of its web series format, An African City succeeds where Sex and the City fell short, combining unabashed conversations about womanhood with global representation.

While it fulfils a critical role in the cultural landscape, An African City is far from a panacea. Despite its mixture of satire and sincerity, some storylines verge on the absurd and the chemistry of the girl squad is occasionally lacking. Yet its refreshing voice and honesty sometimes matters more than its delivery.

Building on the narrative style of its American inspiration, An African City episodes begin with voice-overs by protagonist Nana Yaa (played by the talented Maame Yaa Boafo) and flits between scenes of the daily life of her circle of friends, including brazen and outspoken Sade, conservative and romantic Ngozi, pragmatic Zainab, and the ambitious and beautiful Makena.

Each woman plays an allegorical role in the continuum of modern African womanhood. Irreligious Sade unapologetically rejects her religious upbringing with her pastor father while Ngozi embraces the African church’s emphasis on sexual conservatism. Makena and Zainab struggle to navigate the difficulties of surviving in the sink-or-swim Accra business world without relying on men. Given this diversity of characters, it’s not surprising that the series immediately created buzz as women across the continent, especially in Africa’s sprawling urban megacities, found a little bit of themselves in each of the five women.



The show explores the tensions between second-wave and third-wave feminism. The former focused on independence and egalitarianism, and the latter embraced femininity as a tool of agency and empowerment. In exploring where these concepts of modern-day womanhood clash and overlap, An African City’s strength lays in its embrace of each woman’s lifestyle as a valid choice—its acknowledgment that the path to happiness in love and life is complex. Although they want different things and walk different paths, these women do not apologize for success or their sensuality. Ngozi wants marriage and commitment, while Zainab, focused on her career, could care less.

As the character that most navigates extremes, Sade (played by Nana Mensah), who often draws comparisons to her libertine American counterpart, Samantha, is a representation of the push and pull of the Africa of the past and present. A Harvard Business School graduate, Sade is the marketing manager of a prominent Accra-based bank, yet still enjoys coaxing gifts out of her male companions. Admittedly and unabashedly sexually confident, she evades the negative barbs of being labelled a whore because her self-love is not predicated on the attention of men.

On its face, this behaviour might appear as a contradiction, but to Mensah, it’s a subversive act. “In many traditional African cultures, men and women have different kinds of capital—sexual and financial,” she tells Okayafrica.

“The woman is in peak possession of her sexual capital at a young age, when perhaps she doesn’t have access to vast resources while the older man is the one with assets. Sade recognizes this and decides to cash in her sexual capital into actual capital—almost like a retirement plan. I don’t agree with that choice personally, but I appreciate the logic behind these choices,” she says. Sade’s choice to embrace her sexuality is at once at capitalist pursuit, but also an act of liberation from her religious upbringing and societal expectations.

Showcasing sexuality on screen is nothing new, but portraying it through the female gaze still remains a novel concept in film and television. Laura Mulvey’s pioneering 1973 essay, “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema,” introduced new feminist discourse into film studies in its psychoanalytic analysis of how women are portrayed as passive subjects of the male gaze in the Western world.

Mensah agrees with this view, and thinks that is still particularly relevant in Africa’s nascent film and television industry. “A lot of times, sexuality is not shown at all or it’s a 1960s Hollywood portrayal where you see the lead-up and nothing else. Whether it’s in the U.S. or in Nigeria, film and television tends to show sexuality through the male gaze. The actress is there for the visual consumption of male viewers, male directors, male writers, and male co-stars. Now you have directors and filmmakers like Nicole Amarteifo, who directs An African City, and Leila Djansi, who are showcasing sexuality from a female perspective and showing female pleasure,” she tells us.

In the eyes of Maame Adjei, who plays Zainab and serves as one of the show’s producers, there are “myriad of reasons Africans tend to shy away from the conversation of sex… [but] the fact is young African women have sex.” She says, “sex is a human trait and a uniting factor and it’s a great way of telling nuanced stories because no matter who you are or where you’re from you understand the concept and complexities of sexuality.”

While some might claim MTV’s Shuga as the first television show to grapple with tough questions about the evolving nature of sexuality in Africa’s metropolises, Varyanne Sika, founder of The Wide Margin, an online journal of African feminist thought, finds that An African City is distinct fromShuga because it refrains from moralizing the protagonists’ sexuality.

“I created the show to highlight women who own their sexuality and sensuality—even if one of the characters, Ngozi, refrains from sex she is still owning her sexuality,” Amarteifo tells us. “And I wanted a show like this because for centuries women have been told that sex is not for them. Women have been sex-shamed for far too long. Sometimes men sex-shaming women, sometimes women sex-shaming other women. My show, itself, is a message: we will not be sex-shamed.”

Despite accolades and widespread media coverage for its refreshingly progressive take on African sexuality, An African City, like its American inspiration, has garnered some criticism for its focus on the lives of middle and upper class women. According to Sika, “urban life is reshaping the perception of African femininity along the lines of the usual rural and urban differences… affording some of those living in cities many opportunities for social, economic and cultural self-advancement which they otherwise wouldn’t have.”

While black women often speak of the importance of intersectionality, interpretations frequently center on race and gender, rather than third critical paradigm of class. In One Dimensional Woman, feminist scholar Nina Power writes, “if pop culture’s portrayal of womankind were to be believed, contemporary female achievement would culminate in the ownership of expensive handbags, a vibrator, a job, a flat and a man.”

With its exclusive focus on an elite, educated group of Ghanaian women, An African City shies away from broad representations of African women in its efforts to dismantle “the single story.” But in this attempt, does it create a single story of its own? In the same way that critics charged Lena Dunham’s Girls for lacking racial diversity and showcasing topics only relevant to a narrow slice of American life, An African City could similarly be dismissed as a narrow, elite feminist fantasy.

Even those in positions of privilege across the continent need only step outside their door to be robbed of the illusion of their palatial oasis. In Accra, you can step outside a mega-mansion only to be confronted with the stench of an overflowing gutter or a street riddled with potholes. These realities directly conflict with the glamorous, fanciful life that An African City attempts to show.

The parallel society of lavish luxury that persists aside the hellish realities of slums like Sodom and Gomorrah speaks to the growing income inequality in countries like Ghana. As we indulge in this bourgeois tableau of urban African life, we risk forgetting that independence of Nana Yaa, Ngozi, Zainab, Makena, and Sade is a rare privilege in a world in which African women experience fear more than freedom. Indulging in a guilty pleasure of An African City should not obscure the real problems impeding African women’s liberation.



Credit: Akinyi Ochieng 

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Relationship Advice: How to tell your partner your sex life is horrible



How do I tell my partner our sex life is terrible? We've been together for almost two years now, and I hate our sex life. He's too impatient for foreplay and does not want to hear anything about oral stimulation. According to him, it makes him want to puke. I've told him before it needs to change, but it hasn't. He's an awesome guy, and the thought of breaking up with him because of our poor sex life seems silly. I know there are men out there that will give me what I want though. What do I do?

Relationship expert’s advice

You're right, you shouldn't abandon a good relationship because of a bad sex life without even trying. The solution isn't simply to go find another guy — because what if the sex isn't perfect with that guy? Spoiler: It won't be. Then what do you do? You find another guy. And the sex won't be perfect with him, either…

Relationships take work, particularly in the bedroom where it can be particularly hard to talk about what you need without bruising your partner's ego. But sometimes, that's just necessary — even if your partner talks about going down on women like it's going to give him the cooties.
Given the choice between being dumped and being more collaborative in bed, what do you think your partner would choose? That said, don't present this as some do-or-die ultimatum. Just tell him how you've been feeling, instead of bottling it up inside.

Have the hard talk. Be direct. Tell him it's serious. Then butter him up with praise about how awesome he is and all the things you enjoy. Then tell him the "but…" Only, don't tell him sex is awful. Or that he's awful. Try to avoid judging him or labeling him with some insult. And don't place the blame all on him. A long-term bad sexual relationship is never just one person's fault.
Instead, tell him that you're unsatisfied and that it's very important to you that the two of you try to make your sex life better. Tell him you know it can be hotter for both of you. Tell him you want to know more about what turns him on and that you want him to know more about what turns you on.
Then tell him. Give him specific examples and fantasies and maybe even a little technical advice — and don't forget to listen to what he says too. It's clear you're both in a rut. Maybe you can learn from each other.
As for this silliness about how going down on women makes him want to puke? Sure, we all have our preferences and turn-offs, but this sounds deeply immature and a little cruel. Tell him that's not a satisfying explanation on any level and that you need him to consider how you feel too.
If your partner doesn't respond well — if he doesn't want to work on your relationship — then consider what that says about how he sees about you and how hard he's willing to work to make a relationship that works for both of you.

Cosmopolitan